Three Words That Became Hard To Say
by PenelopeWeaving
Summary: "Three words that became hard to say. I and love and you." - The Avett Brothers. A sequel to "Violets in the Mountains."
1. Prologue

**A/N This story is a sequel to "Violets in the Mountains," which ended in August of 1992. The sequel begins almost a year later.**

* * *

**_May, 1993_**

Katniss had to stop doing this to herself.

Why was it that all it took were a few drinks for every reserve, every wall she had built up to come crashing down. She had become the easiest date ever.

Which was really a joke, since she didn't actually date.

This was the third drunken hook-up she'd had this semester, and she knew better. She _knew_ _better_ than to do this to herself. All it had taken was going out with Jo and her friend Chris. Chris wasn't even that cute, and he barely said a word all night.

But he was blonde and muscular, and after enough drinks, Katniss could just pretend that his eyes were blue.

When the two crashed onto her bed later that night, Katniss kept her eyes closed and actively pretended Chris was someone else. As he squeezed (too hard) at her nipple and fumbled (awkwardly) with her zipper, Katniss just focused on the blood rushing through her body, the nerves firing, bringing her release, making her gasp and shudder to a hard finish.

Who cared if, in the end, it was her own fingers and not his who brought about her release? Chris wasn't really a factor in this equation anyway. He was just a catalyst.

Unfortunately, Chris stayed the night. She woke to him in her bed, an arm draped across her waist. She shimmied out from under him and trudged to the bathroom. Aspirin and about a gallon of water were her first priorities.

After she had showered and dressed, she finally returned to her room. He was awake, propped up on her pillows and waiting for her.

"Hey," he said with a half-smile on his face. He ran his hand over the empty spot next to him. "You coming back to bed?"

She grimaced. "Uh, no," she said. "I . . . uh . . . have stuff to do today." She watched his face fall. "I mean, this morning. I'm driving up to Ellijay to see my sister." She shrugged. "I'm sorry."

She felt bad as hope and understanding bloomed in his face.

"I understand!" he said with too much enthusiasm.

"I'll make some coffee," she said, turning so she could avoid seeing him get up from the bed. She was pretty sure he was still naked, and she did not want to see it.

She was waiting on the coffee to finish when he came (dressed) into the kitchen. She leaned back against the counter and gave her best objectively passive stare as he approached her.

"I had fun last night," he said.

Katniss had perfected her response to this morning-after statement, so she busied herself at the counter by leaning over the toaster and merely said, "Yeah? That's good."

For a split second, his face crinkled in a confused expression. But then it relaxed into a smile – as if he had convinced himself that he had misunderstood her intentions.

"When can I see you again?" he asked in a low voice, leaning towards her.

She straightened up and moved towards the coffee pot, throwing him off balance and sending the confused expression back to his face.

"I'm crazy busy for the next few weeks," she said, pouring a cup and bringing it to her lips immediately. The coffee burned her tongue, but she swallowed a gulp down anyway, concentrating on the feel of it as it raced down her throat and into her stomach.

She turned back to Chris, who had backed off a few steps. "But I'll get your number from Jo and call you when things settle down."

A mask had fallen over his face. He understood.

"Would you like a cup of coffee before you go?"

She wasn't surprised when he declined the offer. He was gone in less than a minute's time.

* * *

**A/N I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! It's really just a teaser. The next chapter will be published this Friday afternoon, and I'll update every Friday after that. **

**Thanks so much to BohemianRider for her beta skills and SunfishDunes for her help with delayed gratification.**


	2. Atlanta

**A/N Chapter 2 flashes back to the weeks just after Katniss and Peeta left Camp Ridgecrest. From here on, the chapters will proceed chronologically.**

* * *

**_August, 1992_**

Peeta knocked on the door of Katniss' house. It was a bungalow typical to Home Park, the neighborhood just outside Georgia Tech: tiny yard, big front porch, shotgun shack.

When no one answered, he opened the door. "Hello?" he called in. Katniss was expecting him, but as he stepped inside the entrance hallway, it was Jo who stuck her head out of her room.

"Hey," she said. "Come on in. K's in the shower." And then she disappeared behind her closed door.

Peeta contemplated sitting in the den but went instead to Katniss' room across the hall and collapsed on her bed.

He was practically asleep when he distantly heard her bedroom door open, and as he rolled over, his eyes opened a crack.

Katniss was in her bathrobe with her hair wrapped up in a towel. He smiled. "Hey," he said, his voice soft and sleepy. She sat down next to him, and he pulled on her arm, easing her down so that her back was flush against his chest. He sighed, deeply content.

He had only seen her once that week – and it wasn't for anything remotely romantic. They had both negotiated an hour away from work on Tuesday afternoon to meet up at the Briarcliff Health Clinic to get AIDS tests. He had brought up the idea of being tested first, but he could see the relief on her face as soon as he did. She had agreed, and the appointment found them sitting side-by-side in folding chairs in the small, dingy clinic, waiting for their separate appointments with a needle.

He knew Katniss didn't have to worry at all, and really, Peeta didn't either. He'd never once had unprotected sex. Still, he was nervous sitting there looking around at the gray walls and institutional decor of the clinic.

"This is good," he'd said, taking her hand in his and hoping she didn't mind that his was a little sweaty.

"Yep."

"Clean slate." He paused. "Fresh start." He was quiet a moment again. "Begin the begin." He knew he was rambling. He couldn't help it.

"Peeta?"

"Yeah?"

"Enough."

"Yeah."

He'd kissed her briefly in the parking lot as they'd parted ways almost an hour later. And that was the most he'd seen of her since Sunday.

So as she curled up in his arms, he pulled the towel from her hair and buried his face in her neck. "Let's not go out," he said. "Let's just stay here. Let's spend the next twenty-four hours right here."

"We can't. We've promised," she said.

At her sigh, he pulled her closer, feeling her body pressed tightly against his. "We can see them another time."

She turned to face him. As she rolled, the movement pulled on her robe, and the neckline crept open. Peeta reached up to the newly-exposed skin, running his hand down her shoulder, coaxing the robe further away. His fingers danced on her skin, running back up to her collar bone before drifting lower into the deep vee that had formed. His finger drew a line down her chest as he found her lips with his own. He nipped at her before slowly sweeping his tongue into her mouth.

"Mmmm," she sighed, breaking the kiss and wrapping her arms around him. "We can't."

Her hands were in his hair – not helping to convince him of her sincerity.

"Gale left yesterday, and Madge leaves tomorrow, and she needs us tonight." She flattened herself against him, his hand catching between them before he reached to run it along her naked hip.

"Not yet. We don't have to go yet, do we?"

He felt her smile against his cheek. "Well, maybe not yet."

At her words, he rolled her back, untying her robe so that the flaps slid open and her body was suddenly exposed before him. He felt himself harden at the sight. Katniss' cheeks colored, and she looked away from him. This was still so new for both of them.

He ran his hand along her hip and up to the swell of her breast, lightly grazing her nipple with his palm, running it back and forth, back and forth.

She gasped, closing her eyes as her body arched to him. He cupped her breast briefly before moving his hand back up to her face. She opened her eyes, looking steadily at him.

"I've missed you this week," he said.

She reached for his face and kissed him.

* * *

Tonight was Katniss' introduction to one of Peeta's favorite bars – Jagger's. They were meeting Madge, Finnick, and Annie there for a final night out before they all went separate ways to begin their fall semesters.

At the last minute, Jo decided to come, too, so the three of them piled into Peeta's Suburban and set out for the bar just a little bit later than planned. Peeta wondered if Jo knew about Annie, if Katniss had told her that Finnick was now dating someone new. He was pretty sure Jo and Finnick had hooked up earlier in the summer, and he wasn't sure if it would matter to Jo.

When Jo decided to come with them, he'd glanced over at Katniss, but she seemed unfazed, so he left it alone.

The bar was dark compared to the bright, August sunlight, and it took his eyes a moment to adjust before Peeta saw Finnick and Annie beckoning to them from one of the oversized booths.

Finnick raised his eyebrows when he saw Jo with them. "Hey," he said, his voice a note higher than usual. Katniss slid onto the bench opposite Annie followed by Peeta. Jo took the seat across from Finnick, who sat back down saying, "Annie, I don't think you've met Johanna. Jo, this is Annie."

"'S'up," Jo said to Annie. "Finnick. Haven't seen you in awhile."

Peeta watched in fascination as his friend literally squirmed in his seat. He felt the need to rescue him. "You went straight back to Athens after camp, right?" he said, trying for a diversion.

"Yes," Annie said, answering for Finnick. If she had picked up on the underlying current, she did not show it. "I'm still working at the Y, and Finnick's been kind enough to hang out and keep me company."

"What can I say? Women in swimsuits need to be watched."

Annie shoved on his shoulder as Jo watched the exchange. "So how long have you two been doing it?" she asked.

Finnick barked out an awkward laugh, but Annie just smiled discreetly. "Not long enough," she said.

The waitress showed up with extra glasses. "We'll be needing another pitcher," Peeta said, smiling. "As soon as possible." The waitress nodded and disappeared as Peeta turned the conversation. "Where is Madge?"

"Coming in the door right now," said Finnick, waving towards the door.

A moment later, Madge arrived. "Hey," she said breathlessly, pulling each of them out of their seats for cumbersome hugs across the table before she slid into the remaining seat next to Finnick.

"Damn it's hot. I will be glad to get out of here for awhile."

"Where are you heading?" Annie asked.

"Madge is the resident smart bitch," Jo answered for her. "She's heading back to Yale."

Madge made a face. "My father is a trustee and alum. They had to let me in despite my laughable ACTs."

"Yes. Laughable. That's exactly what they were," Jo retorted. Madge stuck out her tongue at her as the waitress returned with a new pitcher and more glasses.

Peeta's hand rested lightly on Katniss' bare thigh, periodically brushing the skin just under the hem of her shorts. They sat hip-to-hip, and he couldn't help but marvel at the difference a summer could make. Jagger's had always been one of his favorite bars, but he never imagined sitting here with a table full of people he had only just met.

And Katniss. He looked at her in the dark light of the bar as she leaned over him slightly to hear something Jo was saying. Her hair was down and had dried in light waves. Her skin was a deep olive, glowing from the time spent in the summer sun. He squeezed her thigh, and she met his eyes briefly, a light crinkle of a smile settling on her face.

Lost in thought, he shook his head. He really could not believe the difference a summer could make.

The second pitcher disappeared as they ordered a third. The music was good but not so loud that they couldn't talk. At one point when Annie and Finnick were deep in conversation, Katniss leaned over Peeta to Madge. "How are you doing?" she asked.

Madge smiled crookedly, turning between Katniss and Jo. "I'm fine," she said, holding on to the last syllable a beat too long. "It's OK. I mean, I hate it, you know?" She paused, looking out over the bar before returning her gaze to the others. "But, there's nothing for it. There's no solution right now."

Katniss nodded. She knew Gale would be in Arizona at Fort Huachuca for the foreseeable future, and even after he finished training there, he could be stationed anywhere in the world. It wasn't the best time to try and date.

Madge sighed. "No use really talking about it. And anyway, there's a girl at the bar that keeps staring at us."

The all turned to look.

"Delly!" Peeta exclaimed. He waved at her, and she cautiously waved back. Standing up from behind the table as much as he could, he motioned her over.

Delly said something to the bartender before picking up her drink and heading over.

"Hey!" Peeta said. Jo scooted out of the booth so he could get out. He hugged her and turned to the others. "Y'all, this is my friend Delly. Delly, that's Annie and Finnick, this is Madge, and you've met Katniss and Jo."

Delly made polite hellos, but Peeta couldn't help noticing that her eyes lingered on Jo's. "Are you here with people? Pull up a chair! Sit down for a minute."

Peeta reached for a chair from an adjacent unoccupied table as Jo scooted into the booth next to Katniss. As he and Delly sat down, he explained, "Delly has lived next door to me for years. And she worked in the bakery all summer so that I could work at camp." He put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a kiss on her temple.

Delly blushed at his open affection and tried to brush it off by changing the subject. "So am I interrupting a camp reunion?"

"No, no," Madge replied. "Not at all. In fact I was just about to ask, has anyone seen _Singles_ yet?"

It wasn't much longer before the effects of consecutive early mornings had begun to wear on Peeta. He caught Katniss' eye at one point and crooked an eyebrow at her. She nodded imperceptibly back at him, and he began to dig in his wallet for cash.

"I think we're going to head out," he said to the table.

Annie and Finnick were cozied up in their corner of the booth, but they looked up as Peeta and Katniss both put some money down on the table. "Good to see you, man," Finnick replied. "Come up to Athens soon!"

"Yeah, we'll see about that," Peeta said, getting up from the table.

Madge stood up after him, saying, "I think I'm going to call it a night, too."

As Jo got up to let Katniss out of the booth, Katniss asked, "You coming, Jo?"

Jo looked at the three of them now standing in the aisle before glancing back to Delly. "I'm gonna hole up here for awhile," she said casually, sitting back down. "I can call a cab if I need to."

"I can take you home," Delly said instantly.

"Great," Peeta said, keeping his face neutral despite the obvious attraction between the two. "See you Monday, Dell."

"Catch you at home," Katniss said to Jo. "And call if you need anything."

Madge, Peeta, and Katniss walked out to the parking lot, the night starkly quiet compared to the loud music and conversation in the bar. As they parted ways on the sidewalk, Madge reached to hug Peeta. "You better keep in touch," she said. "And not just through Katniss. She's the worst at keeping in touch, so if we rely on her, I'll never hear of you ever again."

"You'll hear from me," he said, smiling over her shoulder at Katniss. "I actually like writing letters."

Madge kissed his cheek and then reached for Katniss. "Go away, Peeta," she said. "I wanna talk to Katniss."

Peeta smiled and backed away, his arms up and a mockingly innocent look on his face as he made his way to his car. Sitting in the driver's seat, he cranked the engine and watched as Madge spoke earnestly to Katniss. Katniss smiled back at Madge, nodding until they hugged again.

When Katniss slid into the front seat next to Peeta, she smiled at him, a slightly embarrassed look on her face.

"What was that about?" he asked.

"Well, just, more of the same. Keep in touch." She paused a moment. "She seems to think I need her as a sounding board for, uh, figuring things out with you."

Peeta glanced over at her. She was definitely embarrassed and looking out the window away from him.

"What do you think?"

"Um, she's probably right," Katniss admitted.

Peeta reached out across the bench seat of the Suburban and found her hand. "We've come a long way already," he said.

Peeta was glad they were having this conversation, actually. Though things between them had settled somewhat, it was all still very new, and they had yet to even work out times to see each other. They didn't live so very far apart, but on opposite sides of the city interior, and traffic at any given time was something they had to contend with. In the best circumstances, it took twenty minutes. In the worst, it could take an hour.

Plus, Peeta still didn't have his own place. Although he had begun looking for an apartment, it was not an easy task. He needed to be close to the bakery since he arrived so early every morning, but apartments in the Emory area were expensive. He'd need a roommate to afford one, yet the prospect of living with a stranger was not appealing.

And neither had even begun classes yet. Their class schedules, where he would live, when they would see each other – all of these things were still very much up in the air.

The silence between them lingered as his thoughts ran laps around him

Surfacing from his own thoughts, he squeezed her fingers. "You're quiet over there. Are you OK with things? Are we moving too fast?"

In his peripheral vision, he saw her turn to face him, and then she brought his hand to her lips. "No, no, that's not what I was thinking. It's fine. I mean, I'm fine. With everything."

He smiled over at her then, and his heart quickened in his chest. He just felt incredibly fortunate.

They drove on awhile longer before she asked, "What will your work schedule be for Labor Day weekend?"

"I'll work Friday and Saturday as usual, but we'll be closed Sunday and Monday. Why?"

"I need to make a trip to Ridgecrest," she said. "But I was thinking about going up there after work on Thursday night."

"Okay . . ."

"Well, would you want to go camping? I was thinking, if you meet me at Ridgecrest after work on Saturday, we could set out from there and just spend a few days hiking and, well, you know, just have some time."

They had pulled up to a stoplight, and he used her hand to pull her closer to him so he could lean in for a kiss.

"I love that idea," he said.

* * *

Peeta had just eased some Focaccia into the oven when he heard the front door of the bakery open and Delly talking animatedly. He leaned his head through the doorway and caught sight of Katniss. She was wearing a short black skirt and dark tights, what he had come to know as her work outfit. It was a jarring change from her summer wear – shorts and a t-shirt – but he had to chuckle at the idea that black tights and Doc Martens were what she considered her 'dressed up' work look. It was a good thing the Fernbank Science Center was a relaxed work environment.

He couldn't imagine Katniss in a suit and heels, though just thinking about it did give him pause.

"Hey!" he called. Wiping his hands on his apron, he walked into the front room of the bakery. He reached her side and leaned in to kiss her cheek, feeling her tense up minutely under his lips.

Despite the fact that they had progressed quickly in intimacy and comfort with each other, Katniss was still Katniss, and he doubted she would ever feel at ease with public displays of affection.

"What are you doing here?" he said.

"I have some time to kill. I'm leading the Decatur Birding Society on a night walk tonight, but with 5:00 traffic, by the time I get home, it'll be time to head back this way."

Peeta knew that Katniss' biggest adjustment to living in Atlanta was dealing with traffic. Her house with Jo was right outside of Georgia Tech, and once classes started, that convenience would pay off. But commuting to Fernbank, and thus fighting traffic every day, was wearing on her already.

"Have you eaten? Do you want to grab some dinner?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"Peeta!"

The sound of his mother's voice calling him from the back made him stiffen and involuntarily look at his watch. She never came by in the late afternoon, preferring to get the paperwork for the business taken care of before lunch.

He had been back from camp for three weeks, but he had not yet told his parents about Katniss. He wasn't keeping it a secret from them exactly, but it hadn't come up, either.

Honestly, it was just easier to share as little as possible with them – though it looked like that was about to change.

His mother came in through the doorway and surveyed the scene in front of her.

"Well, have we quit work for the day?" she asked, looking back and forth between Delly and Peeta and all but ignoring Katniss.

Peeta looked at Katniss, catching her eye and trying to communicate with her silently before turning back to his mother.

"I'm finishing up my shift, and Delly will be closing up in about an hour."

"I came by to let you know that we have a special order for tomorrow that just came in. Three dozen petit fours, pastel colors, baby booties on the top."

"What time tomorrow?" Peeta asked.

"10 AM sharp."

Peeta gulped. "OK. I'll do them tonight, I guess."

"You guess?"

"They'll be ready." He turned back to Katniss. "Mom, I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Katniss." He rested his hand on the small of her back. "Katniss, this is my mother, Scotta Mellark."

Katniss reached to shake hands. Scotta stared at her for a moment before averting her eyes as she lightly squeezed Katniss' hand. "How do you do." Mrs. Mellark's voice was cold and brittle.

"It's nice to meet you," Katniss said softly. Peeta held her side gently during the exchange. He knew how intimidating his mother was, having introduced enough of his friends to her to know what to expect.

"So, ah, we're going to get some dinner, and then I'll come back and make the petit fours. I'll get them glazed tonight and decorate them in the morning," Peeta said.

"Very well. Just make sure they're ready on time," Mrs. Mellark said as she turned and walked briskly back to the kitchen.

Peeta glanced at Delly, whose kind smile was sympathetic. He smiled back and shrugged. "Guess that had to happen at some point. Do you want to come to dinner with us, Dell? We can wait."

"No, y'all go on. I've got plans anyway after close."

* * *

Katniss was quiet as they walked across the street to find some dinner. It wasn't until they were seated at a small table at the Rainbow Deli that he looked squarely at her.

He felt awkward, wondering what was going through her mind, what she thought of the exchange with his mother. It was enough to drive anyone away, certainly.

Uncharacteristically, Katniss broke the silence. "That did not go well."

"Uh, well. It wasn't that bad, actually."

"Is she always like that or does she just not like me?"

"Oh no! It's not you! It's me, actually. And yes, she's usually like that." He took a gulp of his water as the waitress approached.

After ordering, Peeta reached across the table for her hand. "Don't take it personally. Really."

"What did you mean when you said she was usually like that?"

"I don't know how to explain it other than to say that she's not a nice person. She's not a happy person. All my life she's been just like that if not worse."

He watched her as she processed this information, looking across the restaurant vacantly. He waited. She was so hard to read sometimes. His anxiety began to build, settling into the line of his shoulders, the square of his jaw.

"Worse?"

Too deep in his own thoughts, he didn't understand her question.

"What?"

"What do you mean she is sometimes worse? How much worse?"

His face flushed instantly as he scrambled to figure out how to answer this question. He pulled his hand from hers and ran it through his hair before scrubbing both hands over his face.

"Peeta?" Her voice was quiet, tentative, and his chest tightened. He tried to take a deep breath.

"I don't," he started. "I…" He stopped again and then finally just shrugged. "Worse. A lot worse. I don't really like to talk about it. She's a hard person to deal with."

Blessedly the waitress was back with their meals, and it was enough of a distraction for now. Peeta busied himself putting mayo on his black bean burger and pulling off the red onion before taking a big bite. He chewed slowly, realizing he wasn't hungry anymore.

He finally looked up at Katniss again. She had cut a piece of her quesadilla and was swirling it into the glob of salsa on her plate.

Swallowing the bite, he wiped his mouth with his napkin and took another drink of water. "Tell me about your class tonight," he said quietly.

Her eyebrows lowered and she sighed before beginning to tell him about the whip-poor-wills and owls they'd be looking and listening for that night.

* * *

The sun had fallen behind the trees though the air was still humid as they made their way back across the street to the bakery. It was time for Katniss to go, and Peeta needed to start on the Petit Fours, so he walked her through the bakery and out to the back parking lot and her car.

At her door, she turned to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning her head and shoulders against his chest. He sighed. The tension drained from him in her embrace, and his hands instinctively went to the hair at the back of her neck.

"Are you OK?" he murmured.

Instead of answering, she rose up on her tip toes and kissed him, moving a hand to his cheek to pull him to her, urgently running her tongue against his lips. She pulled away to breathe but was back at him instantly, grasping his head in both her hands now and pulling on him. His arms wrapped tightly around her waist, crushing her to him as he returned her kiss with equal fervor.

The intensity waned gradually, leaving her looking into his eyes, her hands still framing his face. "Are you OK?" she asked.

He leaned in for one last kiss.

"Yes."

* * *

The thing about making Petit Fours is this: they are a time-consuming mess. When his mother came in at 5:30 and told him of an order for three dozen, he knew he was facing at least four more hours of work that night and another two the next morning – on top of all the usual morning work.

By the time he had the cakes in the refrigerator and the kitchen put back together, it was almost 11:00. His lower back was beginning to ache from standing so long, and his head felt heavy. He knew 5:00 AM would come early the next morning.

As he made his way to the parking lot in the back of the bakery, he saw a piece of paper stuck under the windshield wiper on his car.

_Peeta,_

_I didn't want to come in. It's late and we both have early mornings. But I've been thinking of you tonight and can't wait until Saturday. We're making NO plans this weekend. Jo's out of town, so it'll just be us, OK?_

_Katniss_

God, he loved her.

* * *

Saturday afternoon found him ahead of schedule. Business had been slow that afternoon, so he'd been able to work ahead on prep for Monday and the basic tasks of closing. He was excited to get over to Katniss' house to begin the weekend – roughly thirty-six hours of uninterrupted time with the entire house to themselves.

Promptly at 4:00, he swapped the sign to 'Closed,' turned off the front lights, and returned to the kitchen to finish up.

He was surprised to find his mother leaning against the counter.

"Hey," he said, grimacing when he heard the unnatural pitch of his voice. Damn! Why did he let his mother get to him him like this? He'd done nothing wrong. He steeled himself, consciously straightening his back and squaring his shoulders.

"You're running early today." The words were innocuous themselves, but her tone could not be mistaken.

"It's been slow today, so I was able to prep and clean up early." He sighed. "But the sign stayed up and the door open until 4:00. I've just locked it up now."

She raised her eyebrows, giving an expression of innocence, as if she hadn't just implied that he'd tried to close early.

He turned to the sink to finish washing the last of the pans sitting there.

"So can we expect you home tonight?"

"No."

"And where will you be?" When Peeta didn't answer her immediately, she said, "Can I assume you'll be with that girl who was here the other day?"

Peeta turned around to face her. "Her name is Katniss. And yes, I'll be there tonight."

"And what did you say her last name was?"

"Everdeen. Katniss Everdeen." He watched her face curiously as she processed this information. "She's from Ellijay. I ran into her this summer at camp. Do you remember the family?"

A sharp, derisive sound escaped Scotta Mellark's lips before she said, "There is no one from Ellijay whom I care to remember. The town is filled with rednecks and immigrants. There is nothing there worth my time – or yours, for that matter." She stood there twisting the heavy rings on her fingers. The action agitated Peeta. He'd seen her do that many times before. It didn't bode well.

"Were you planning on formally introducing us?"

"Well, it's still kinda new," he said hastily. He turned back to the sink. "Eventually, I guess." He realized his mother took this information to mean the relationship wasn't serious. In reality, he had not even thought about introducing them, would have held off as long as he could.

His mother was silent, and he braced himself for when she did speak. Rinsing the final loaf pan and putting it up on the drying rack, he wiped his hands dry.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to meet her, won't we," she said, her voice entirely too animated for Peeta's sensibility. "Bring her to dinner," she said firmly. "Tomorrow. We'll be home from church at the usual time. We'll eat at 1:00 – don't be late."

Peeta had not at all anticipated this invitation, but he couldn't very well turn it down. "Ah, OK," he said.

She smiled at him, pleased with herself. She turned and retreated to the small office near the back door.

Peeta hung up the towel and ran his hands through his hair, pulling on the ends as dread settled into his shoulders. He blew out a long sigh before collecting his stuff and heading out the back door.

A heavy foreboding settled over him. He and Katniss had so little time together, but now he faced an unwelcome interruption to their plan to spend the weekend alone. They would have to face his parents, and that encounter would not go well. He knew in his bones that his mother would end up saying something rude to Katniss, but he didn't know how to control the situation, and he just hoped it wouldn't be enough to scare Katniss away.

* * *

By the time he reached her door, Katniss was there waiting, opening the door and pulling him inside.

He could tell by the look on her face that she knew, she somehow understood that something had happened. She backed her way to her bedroom door silently. They hadn't even spoken, but at times like these, he knew that she was different from anyone he'd been with before. She didn't need words to communicate with him.

Inside her bedroom, she kicked the door shut as he dropped his backpack to the floor. Her hands immediately pulled at the hem of his shirt, grabbing it from behind and pulling it over his head. He ducked to allow it off his body and then watched as she pulled her own shirt off.

And then she was pressing up against him, soothing his skin, kissing his shoulders, his neck, his face. He let out a long, shuddering sigh as he held her waist. Her hands were on his face now, and he saw the concern in her face, in her eyes.

Her thumbs ran along his cheeks for a moment before she reached up to kiss his lips. Light. Slow. Soft. She was being gentle with him, knowing without knowing what he needed.

He unclasped her bra, pulling it from her arms. Her hands found his waist, unbuckling his belt, unbuttoning his pants, sliding his zipper down, and pushing his pants and boxers off. She ran her hands down his back, pulling on him, cupping, squeezing, bringing him closer to her. Their chests came together, skin on skin, one heart beating into another. He breathed her in.

She pushed on him gently, guiding him down onto the bed, and then she was straddling him. Her kisses became fierce as she reached for him, her small, sure hands encircling him. He gasped as her thumb grazed his head.

"Katniss," he said, the first word either of them had spoken. But she was on him again, kissing him and nipping his neck as she held him tightly, working him until he couldn't keep from thrusting into her hands.

He ran his palm lightly over her nipple before squeezing it between his thumb and fingers. Her gasp sent a jolt through him. He was so close. Squeezing again, he watched the desire bloom on her face.

Suddenly he was there, there, arching into her again. He fell apart as she held him together.

* * *

**A/N** As always, great thanks to BohemianRider for her time and beta skills.


	3. Sunday Dinner

_**August 1992**_

When Peeta woke the next morning, he was on his side, the thin sheet pushed down to his waist. He stretched. Katniss' back was pressed up against his own, and he could hear her soft, regular breathing. She was still asleep.

He closed his eyes and reached his hand behind him, running it along her bare thigh. Memories from last night flooded him, the quiet, sure way she took care of him. He'd reached for her afterwards, finding the places that made her moan, working her to her own release.

Later, lying in each others' arms, he'd told her about his mother's invitation. He knew this kind of thing would have been hard for her in any situation, but his mother was different. She was completely unpredictable. There was no way to prepare for what she might say; he only knew that she would certainly say things that would make Katniss uncomfortable at the least or hurt and angry at the most.

The thought filled him with dread. It was the last thing he wanted to put Katniss through, but he could see no way around it.

* * *

They spent a quiet morning together. He brought coffee and pastries to their bed where they ate and read and dozed until it was time to get ready.

"What should I wear?"

The very fact that Katniss was asking this question spoke volumes to him.

"Um, something nicer? Nice shorts or maybe a dress?"

Katniss nodded at him. Her face had settled into a look of seriousness – not quite a scowl, but not her usual expression, either. He could tell she was nervous, and that made him nervous. And also wary. He couldn't shake this uneasiness, but he was trying to stay positive for her.

When he came back from the bathroom, she was wearing the same sundress she'd worn to the barn dance just a few weeks ago. Her hair was still wet and hanging down her back.

"That looks nice," he said, coming up behind her as she opened her dresser drawer. She was stiff in his arms, so he ran his hands up to her shoulders and began massaging her neck. "It's just lunch. We'll still have the rest of the afternoon and night together."

"It's fine," she said. Her tone said otherwise, but he could feel her relax some into his hands. His thumbs worked the skin on either side of her spine, and she sighed.

This meal could not be over soon enough.

* * *

They pulled in his driveway, and Peeta cut the ignition to his car. Katniss' eyes had grown round when they had turned into his neighborhood. He knew she was surprised by the size and the opulent feel of the houses on each street they drove down.

But now she sat looking at his house, a two-story, 1920's Tudor, not saying anything.

He turned and reached for her hand. "Hey," he said, tugging on her palm.

"I just didn't realize," she said, still staring up at the house. "I can't believe you live here."

"It's not me. This stuff is important to my parents, not to me."

She nodded meekly.

"Listen," he said, "I haven't told you much about my parents. It's just because, well, we're pretty different." She was looking up at him now. "I, uh…Well, I disappoint them all the time. I've never really been what they wanted."

He looked back at the house. He knew his mother was probably watching them through the window. "I don't know what's going to happen in there. It could be fine. It may be uncomfortable. She may say something totally inappropriate. I just don't know. But will you try to remember something for me?"

Her eyes were wide as she waited for him to continue.

"Just, remember I'm not like them. And you . . . you are important to me, okay? No matter what she might say."

She looked somewhat stricken. This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go at all.

He sighed. "It'll be fine. You'll like my dad," he said. "Everyone does."

And then, because there was no more putting it off, he got out of the car.

* * *

Walking in the garage door of the house, he looked around with new eyes, trying to see his home how Katniss would see it. They found themselves in a pantry of sorts just off the kitchen with a door on one side that led to the dining room and another door that led to the kitchen. A butler's pantry, his mother insisted on calling the room – though of course they had never had a butler.

From there they walked into the kitchen. Upton Mellark put down the spoon in his hand and turned from the stove to face Peeta and Katniss as they walked in. "Peeta," he said, extending his hand as they approached.

Peeta shook his father's hand, somewhat embarrassed by this formal greeting. "Hey, Dad." He turned slightly to bring Katniss further into the room and rested his hand low on her hip. "Katniss, this is my father, Upton Mellark. Dad, this is Katniss Everdeen."

Upton looked at Katniss a moment, intently studying her face while Peeta watched curiously. Katniss squirmed under his scrutiny until Upton finally said, "Katniss, we're so glad you could come."

"Thanks for having me."

Upton was still looking at her thoughtfully. "I imagine people say you look like your father, but really, I can mostly see your mother."

Peeta was astonished to hear these words from his father, and he could tell that Katniss was even more startled. She stared a moment before saying, "You knew them?"

He smiled. "Oh, of course. Everyone knew Mari Crossley. And I can tell you, every girl I ever knew had a crush on Jude Everdeen." He laughed to himself. "They were the grade below me, but you know what a small town Ellijay is. We all knew each other."

He walked back over to the stove. "Hope you like pot roast, Katniss? Mrs. Mellark always likes a heavy meal at lunch on Sundays."

"It sounds great," she said. Peeta led Katniss over to the bar stools lining the large island that filled the kitchen. As they sat, Katniss ventured back into the conversation. "I guess I forget that you are so well connected with Ellijay. And you know my cousin Sae."

"Oh yes! Sae worked in the bakery when I was a teenager," he said. "She knew more about my dad's recipes than I did back then. How is she?"

"Good. She works all the time still. I keep thinking she'll hire a manager for the restaurant so she can take some time off, but she never does."

He turned and smiled at her. "I understand that. It's hard to give up control. I'm lucky that way – I have Peeta." He smiled broadly at his son. "Having him in the bakery is like having another set of hands. I know he's handling everything just like I would."

Peeta smiled at his father but said nothing. He was used to hearing his father say things like this. It was flattering sometimes.

Under the counter, Peeta reached for Katniss' hand and held it between both of his.

Dinner was ready, but Mrs. Mellark had not yet appeared. Katniss looked anxious, so Peeta put her to work setting the table, and she seemed relieved to have a job to focus on. He had just deposited the rolls on the table when his mother came into the kitchen.

"Peeta," she said, standing expectantly.

"Hi Mom," he said, approaching her and placing a kiss on her cheek.

"Just in time," his father said, turning from the counter with a platter laden with the roast and vegetables. He made his way into the dining room, and Peeta and his mother followed.

"Katniss, it's nice to see you again," his mother said to Katniss, offering her hand. Peeta recognized his mother's most indifferent tone.

"Thanks for having me," Katniss replied, and though she smiled at his mother, Peeta could tell how uncomfortable she was.

Peeta moved to pull the chair out for his mother and then turned to do the same for Katniss, but Katniss was already seated and was watching him intently. He rested his hand on her shoulder for just a moment, giving a gentle squeeze before moving around the table to sit opposite of her.

After the dishes had been passed and they all had filled their plates, Peeta's father said, "Katniss, you have just moved to Atlanta? Is that right?"

"Yes, sir," she said. "I've been at Young Harris College for the last two years, but I'll be starting at Georgia Tech in a few weeks."

"Katniss received a full scholarship from the Ridgecrest Board of Trustees," Peeta put in, smiling at her. She blushed immediately and played with the food on her plate.

"Where are you living?" his mother asked.

"I'm renting a house with a friend off of 14th street."

"Downtown?"

"Yes, in Home Park."

"That's quite a rough neighborhood," Mrs. Mellark replied. Her tone implied disapproval.

"Well, I can afford the rent, so that was important, but so far it seems okay. And it's so close to campus, which will be really convenient once school starts."

Katniss' face was retaining a pink stain. Peeta reached his legs out under the table, trying to find one of her feet with his own but to no avail.

"Katniss," his father diverted, "what will you be studying at Tech?"

Peeta was grateful to his father for finding a topic more benign. As Katniss began to explain her field and how her internship tied into it, she seemed to regain her confidence and sense of self. His mother remained quiet, observing Katniss as she spoke.

Katniss glanced over at Peeta, and he smiled broadly at her. She was so beautiful, even here in this room. Maybe especially here in this room, the embodiment of formal Mellark living.

The embodiment of everything she was not and everything he wanted to leave behind.

* * *

Katniss was helping his father with the dishes when his mother pulled Peeta back into the dining room. "So this is what you picked up at camp," she said.

"Mom," he began, but she cut him off.

"What are you doing, Peeta?" Her voice was exasperated.

He looked at her warily before saying, "What do you mean?"

She sighed audibly, and when she spoke, her voice was shrill. "This? Tell me this is just a summer fling you have not yet shrugged off."

"Mom, no! It's not . . ." He swallowed and lowered his voice. "It's not just a fling. Katniss is an amazing girl."

"Peeta," she said. "You cannot be serious. She is not even very pretty. What does she have to offer a boy from your background?"

He just looked at her steadily, and she shook her head. "Well, I guess this is my own fault."

"What does that mean?"

"When we lived in Ellijay, we were surrounded by these ill-mannered rednecks." She gestured towards the kitchen. "And their ways are not like ours. Which is why I insisted we move back here – to get you and your brothers away from them." She breathed deeply. "I have no one to blame but myself."

"Mother, there's no blame here!"

Her voice was even louder when she spoke again. "Why do you think we are spending all this money to send you to Emory? I'll tell you now, it is not so you could just pick up some backwoods girl from North Georgia to bring into this family! I supposed she will have you trapped into a marriage soon enough."

Peeta was dumbfounded. Whatever he had expected of his mother, this wasn't it.

"I always hoped you'd meet some nice girl like Delly to settle down with, but I should have known you would disappoint me. As usual."

Peeta barked out a laugh of disbelief. "Mother, I am lucky I found Katniss. She's smart and independent. I don't know what's going to happen with us, but I hope I'm fortunate enough to hold onto her."

His mother was shaking her head and not really listening. He became aware of the fact that the kitchen had grown quiet. He heard the door to the garage open and then close again. Shit.

Turning away from his mother, Peeta walked back into the kitchen. His father was leaning against the counter drying a pot, but Katniss wasn't there.

"She walked outside," his father said with a shrug.

Peeta's head snapped towards the door leading to the garage, as if he could see her beyond it. "Okay," he said to his father. "I think we're gonna go. Thanks for lunch, Dad."

"See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, Dad. I'll be back tomorrow." He grabbed his keys from the kitchen counter and walked out into the garage.

Katniss was sitting in his Suburban, arms crossed against her chest, staring out the window. He walked to her door and opened it, but she didn't look up at him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know how much you heard."

"Enough," she said.

He stood there looking at her until finally she met his eyes and said, "Can we go?"

He nodded once and stepped back to shut her door.

When he was behind the steering wheel and had cranked the car, she echoed her earlier thought. "I just can't believe you live here."

They were silent on the way back to her house.

* * *

"What does she think? That I'm going to get pregnant and trap you into marrying me?"

They had returned to Katniss' house and retreated to her bedroom. Peeta watched Katniss sit down on the bed and pull her feet up under her. He leaned against her dresser, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Because I can tell you right now, that is _not _going to happen. I don't even want to get married!"

"I know that's not going to happen, Katniss. I'm sorry. She was just saying anything she could to try to hurt me." He grimaced. "And you."

She sat quietly for a moment, her knees tucked up under her chin and her arms wrapped around them. "And anyway, is that how they live? Is that how _you_ live? It was just so . . . so cold. And formal."

"I know. That's just how she is. She puts a lot of energy into appearances." He tried to make light of the situation. "Once when I was in middle school, I had gone out riding my bike – this was when we were still in Ellijay. And the woods were muddier than I expected, and I was coming around a corner and skidded in some mud and just totally wiped out down a huge hill. My bike was too mangled to even push it back. So I walked home – limping on a twisted ankle, completely muddy and scratched up – and I went in the front door of the bakery because it would have been a longer walk to go around to the back door. And anyway, she hit the roof. There weren't even any customers there, but she made me go out and around the back. Didn't even notice that I was bleeding from several places and could barely walk. She was just worried about what people would think."

He was smiling as he told the story, but her expression didn't change. When she spoke, her voice was quiet.

"You said the other day that your childhood was bad. What did you mean?" He didn't say anything for a moment, so Katniss prompted him. "Did she hit you? Is that what you meant?"

Peeta looked away, trying to figure out a way around this conversation. He wasn't sure how to talk to her about this. The only person who really knew about his mother was Delly, and even they didn't talk about it.

He sighed. "Listen, it hasn't happened in a long time, not since I grew up, really. And things are fine now."

"Fine? You call that fine?"

He wasn't sure why she was pushing, and he could feel himself getting defensive. "What do you want me to say, Katniss? Yes, she hit us. Usually for no real reason. And I am a constant disappointment to her. Is that what you want to hear about?"

"What about your father?"

Peeta froze. Tension crept up his spine. "What about him?"

"Where was he when she was hitting you?"

Peeta could barely look at her, unable to formulate a single thought as she stood up from the bed and approached him. He couldn't see how to make her understand.

Her voice rose in her anguish as she continued. "You say she hit you. She cares more about appearances than she does about you. She treats you like shit. And what does your dad say about all this? 'Oh, Peeta! I couldn't run this bakery without Peeta! He's the best!' What was he doing all those times she was hitting you?"

Peeta's insides were churning, anxiety seeping out of his pores. He clenched his jaw, and his teeth ground together.

She put her hands on his face, forcing him to look at her. He watched tears fill her eyes and one by one spill over. "How could anyone forgive them for something like that? I never will."

He stared at her, feeling something inside of him break open. His eyes burned, and he worked to swallow the lump in his throat. He huffed out a breath. Katniss slipped her arms around his neck, pulling him into her. He lowered his head, burying the bridge of his nose in her neck, closing his eyes, letting her envelop him.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, her breath soft at his ear. "It's none of my business, I guess. But I hate seeing you there. I don't want you to have to ever go back."

"I'm trying, Katniss," he said. "I'm trying to get out. But I've got to make the best of it while I'm still there."

She hugged him tighter, and he let out a long, slow breath.

They stood together holding on for a few moments. He breathed deeply, smelling her skin and hair and feeling once more grateful to have found this woman who intrigued him and challenged him and comforted him – and seemed to want him for simply who he was.

Eventually, he stirred in her arms. "You must be hungry. You barely ate a thing."

Dropping her arms to his waist, she pulled back from him slightly. She lifted up on her toes to kiss him, slow but brief, before saying, "Yes. I guess."

"Let's run over to Fellini's and grab a pizza to bring back here. I brought _Raising Arizona_ and _Silence of the Lambs._"

"No scary movies," she said emphatically. "I can't do scary movies."

"Even with me here?"

"No! And especially since you're not here any nights other than Saturday and Sunday!"

He smiled at her but felt a punch to his gut. He wished he could be here every night even though he knew that was wrong. Well, not _wrong_. But soon – too soon. They'd been together only a month, and already he wanted to see her every day. Every night.

But despite these thoughts, he just smiled at her and said, "I guess it'll be _Raising Arizona_ then."

* * *

Fernbank frequently had Katniss working late in the evenings, running anything from community seminars to star gazing events while the weather was still good. She had told Peeta that once her classes started, she knew she would have to cut back – it was an internship and certainly didn't pay enough to make her neglect her classwork – but since she was new and not yet in classes, she had tried to make herself available to whatever needs her boss had.

Because of their schedules, Peeta usually didn't get to see her during the week. His mornings started so early that he had to get to sleep at a decent time. Sometimes she'd stop by the bakery, but that was usually it.

So on the Wednesday afternoon before their Labor Day camping trip, he had no plans to see her. When he got home from the bakery, he deposited his keys on the kitchen counter and picked up the mail to flip through it. He stopped when his eyes found his own name – a thin envelope addressed to him from the Dekalb County Department of Health.

His pulse quickened and his palms began to sweat as he stared at the return address a moment before slipping his finger under the seal. He opened the envelope quickly and pulled out the letter.

It was a typical medical form, with lines and boxes, lists of tests and check marks for positive and negative. He scanned the page quickly before looking back up to the top to read it slowly, just to confirm. Every test was negative.

In his rational mind, he wasn't at all surprised, but he felt immense, wearying relief just the same. He'd managed to put the test out of his head and not worry about it in the weeks since he and Katniss had met at the clinic, but now faced with the facts, he was somewhat drained. Taking a deep breath, he stuck the letter back in the envelope and headed up to his room.

No one was home – a small blessing. His father was at the bakery, and he had no idea where his mother was. He went up the steps to his room, a large, open space above the garage. The bonus room, his mother called it. Shutting the door, he turned on his music and flopped on the bed, the letter still clutched in his hands.

He lay looking at the ceiling. There were so many good things about his life right now. Katniss seemed to have made everything good even better. But his parents were a shadow hanging over him.

He had looked at a duplex last week only a mile away from the bakery. It was one bedroom and one bath, and the living room was somewhat small. But the kitchen was practically new, and there was a small extra room he could have used as an office and art room. The rent was $650 a month, which he knew he couldn't afford, but he had hoped to talk the landlord down at least $100.

Unfortunately, the man could not be swayed, so Peeta walked away disappointed.

He'd look in the want ads again this weekend, but he was feeling pretty desperate. There were some affordable apartment complexes that dotted North Decatur Road, but they were pretty derelict, and he really, really did not want to resort to those if he could help it.

Peeta drifted off to sleep with these thoughts in his mind. He awoke almost two hours later when he heard his parents' bedroom door slam. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and checked his watch. It was almost 7:30.

He spied the letter on the bed next to him and wondered if Katniss had gotten hers today, too. Glancing at his watch one more time, he stood up and stretched. She'd probably get home in the next hour. It would mean he'd have a later night than usual, but he had just napped, and, well, he wanted to see her.

Making his way down stairs, he found his father sitting alone at the kitchen table.

"Dinner on the stove if you want any," he said as Peeta came into the kitchen.

"Thanks, Dad. I may have some when I get back. I'm gonna run out real quick." He grabbed his keys from the counter, checked his pocket for his wallet, and headed for the garage.

"Peeta?"

He stopped. "Yeah, Dad?"

"Tell her I said hello."

Peeta stood looking at his father's back. "Yeah," he said. "Okay."

* * *

It was just after 8 when Peeta pulled up in front of Katniss' house. Several teenaged boys sat on the front porch of the house directly across the street. They had moved in recently, were starting at Tech, too, and Peeta had talked to one or two of them on different occasions. He raised his hand in greeting as he got out of his car before heading up the steps.

Neither Katniss' nor Jo's cars were there. Peeta knew the door would be locked, but he tried it anyway before settling himself into one of the porch chairs to wait.

The street was growing dark as night descended. A man pushed a grocery cart down the street and turned the corner. Peeta's mother wasn't actually wrong about the neighborhood, and he couldn't help but be grateful that so many boys had moved into the tiny house across the street: it ensured that someone was sitting outside on the porch almost all of the time, especially at night when Katniss was getting home.

He heard Katniss' car before he actually saw it, the rattle of the diesel engine filling the quiet evening. As she maneuvered into a parallel spot, he stood up and walked down the porch steps.

She had obviously seen his car, and when she emerged from her own, she turned towards the house looking for him. "Hi!" she called, seeing him in the front yard.

"Katniss," called one of the boys, "you should just give him a key!"

Smirking over at them, she said, "Okay, okay, I'll keep that in mind."

She made her way up the front walk where he met her, enveloping her in a hug. "Hi," she said, kissing his neck before pulling away. "What are you doing here?"

He just smiled down at her a moment more, taking in the scoop neckline of her babydoll dress. Even though her summer tan had faded, her skin was still luminescent. He couldn't help reaching up and running his thumb along her collar bone. "Just wanted to see you, just for a minute," he said.

She smiled back at him curiously but didn't press for more. Grabbing his arm, she pulled him towards the house, unlocking the door and leading him inside.

She dropped her backpack in her room before saying, "Have you eaten yet? I was going to make a sandwich."

"No, thanks," he replied, following her into the kitchen. "I gotta go soon." He stood in the kitchen doorway watching her a moment before pulling the letter out of his back pocket and holding it up. "Look what I got in the mail today."

She turned to look at him and took the letter from his hands. Her eyebrows shot up when she saw the envelope, and then, after pulling the letter out and opening it, they furrowed over her eyes as she concentrated on what she was seeing.

After a moment, a smile tugged at her lips. She glanced up at him, smiling more broadly, before reading the rest. Coming to the end, she folded the letter and, realizing, said, "Wait! Let me check the mail. Jo must have already gotten it today."

She pushed past him and into the living room where a stack of mail sat on the coffee table. She flipped through it quickly. Finding what she was looking for, she held up the letter to him. They locked eyes for a moment, staring intently at each other before she looked again at the envelope.

He watched as her cheeks colored slightly, turning pink, and she tore open the end of the envelope. She pulled out the letter and read it, her face serious.

Peeta's heart was thumping in his chest. He knew her results, had no doubts in them, but the moment seemed charged and important.

As Katniss looked up, she held the letter out for him to read. Her expression had changed. "All clear," she said, but she looked nervous. He scanned the letter briefly to confirm what he already knew before handing it back to her and smiling. He leaned against the doorway, waiting to see what she would do.

Katniss was squirming. She stood before him smiling awkwardly and blushing a deep pink, but he held back, and eventually she stepped closer to him. He reached for her then, pulling her hips to his and planting her there.

"Katniss?"

She continued to fidget, trying to contain her smile and failing. He couldn't help but laugh at this sudden wave of embarrassment she seemed to be consumed by.

"So, you know this doesn't mean anything, right?" She looked up at him then. "We can still wait. If you want to."

"How about this weekend?" she said. She reached up then and kissed him fully, and he couldn't help the sound that rumbled from his chest as she flattened herself against him. His hands slid down her hips, cupping her and pulling her flush against himself.

When they broke for air, she whispered in his ear, "You'll bring the condoms, right?"

He laughed softly. "Several boxes."

* * *

**A/N **Next week's update will probably be a few days late because I'll be out of town with limited computer access, but I'll post it as soon as I can!

Thanks so much for the follows, favorites, and reviews. I'm so glad that you have enjoyed the story so far!

And as always, thank you, thank you BohemianRider. See you next week, Bohemian!


	4. Winding Creek Falls

**_September, 1992_**

Simply put, Katniss just didn't feel like herself. She had come to the tentative conclusion that this uncertainty wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It was just that everything in her life had changed in a matter of weeks. Everything. And even though she had been expecting the change, that didn't make it seem any less surreal.

She was standing in the kitchen of her cabin at Ridgecrest, staring out the window, looking at a view that was as familiar as her own face, but it was as if her eyes had changed. Everything seemed different to her now.

She realized she had been in a cocoon of sorts during her years living at Ridgecrest. That's what Haymitch had been trying to tell her on that day in July, but she only now understood what he meant.

Ridgecrest was no longer home. Atlanta was – with all that it entailed: new home, new work, new school.

Living with Jo had proved challenging, not so much because of Johanna herself, but because Katniss had lived alone for so long. In some ways Jo was as socially inept as Katniss. She was blunt to the point of being rude, and she was more stubborn sometimes than even Katniss herself. But she also liked to be alone as much as Katniss did, so the situation was pretty ideal. But it was still different.

Excelling in school would prove much more challenging, she was sure. Though classes had not yet started, she knew Georgia Tech would be a kick in the ass to her free time.

And Peeta was no longer her friend. He was her boyfriend – ugh the word alone made her stomach turn over a little. And she supposed soon enough she would think of him as her lover, and that word was even more foreign. She didn't know how to think about any of this.

Whenever she found herself spiraling into the anxiety of everything, his face would arise from the corners of her mind like a reminder of all that was good. That lopsided smile. The hair she liked to run her hands through. His voice and the way he said her name. The way his deltoid moved when he lifted his arm. Or the way his brachioradialis popped when he flexed. She smirked to herself at the way she was putting her anatomy classes to use.

At that point, the anxiety usually disappeared, replaced by a feeling more comforting but also new.

New. Everything was new. Even her sister wasn't the little girl she used to be.

Katniss had arrived at Ridgecrest earlier that morning after staying Thursday night in Ellijay so she could spend some time with Prim.

When she'd gotten to the house, she was surprised to see Gale's motorcycle parked in front. Walking in, she stood for a moment, looking at her baby sister on the couch practically buried under the lanky form of Rory Hawthorne.

"God, Prim!" she griped. "You knew I was coming. Ugh. Do I have to walk in on this?"

Rory rolled over, sliding off the couch and onto the floor, his face redder than she would have thought possible. But Prim just sat up sheepishly and smiled as she smoothed down her hair.

"I was waiting, but then Rory came over." She giggled.

"Obviously," Katniss said, dropping her stuff just inside the door.

Katniss had to admit that the visit home had unnerved her. Prim had grown up so much over the last year, and Katniss had been trying to deal with the idea of treating Prim more like a sister and not as much like someone she needed to take care of.

There had been a year right after their father died when Katniss had been the primary caregiver. Her mother was gone all the time, and if the girls ate, if they did their homework, if they made it to school on time, it was only because Katniss made sure they did.

But her father's cousin Sae had moved back to Ellijay almost a year after her father had died, and after that Katniss grew to depend on Sae for help. Although Katniss never stopped feeling responsible for the well-being of her sister, she was no longer the one in charge. Eventually her mother returned to the family, too, and though Katniss was largely gone by then, she did begrudgingly admit that her mother had taken back the responsibilities that she should have shouldered all along.

And slowly over the years, the sisters had begun to resume a more sisterly relationship.

But seeing Prim in Ellijay last night had given Katniss pause. Prim was clearly comfortable with Rory Hawthorne, and they seemed to have plenty of time alone together.

"Are you sexually active?" she had asked her sister after Rory scooted out the door, mumbling goodbye and still blushing.

"Sexually active?" Prim scoffed. "Honestly? Who speaks like that? Are you my grandmother or my sister?"

"Fine! Are you having sex with him, Prim? Because if you are, we need to talk about it!"

"I'll tell if you'll tell. I want to hear all about sex with Peeta."

Katniss felt her mouth fall open and her face flush fiercely. "Prim," she said, completely aware that her tone was too brittle but also completely unable to change it, "I'm not here to gossip with you! I just want to make sure you're being smart about this!"

"But why aren't you here to gossip with me? You're my sister, not my mom! I want a sister I can share things with, but with you, I always feel like I'm in trouble or something."

Katniss felt chagrined. How to respond to this accusation? She sighed deeply and scrubbed her eyes. It had grown late, and she was tired. She would have to leave early to get to Ridgecrest in the morning, and Prim had school, too. She wondered if Prim still had homework to finish.

And there she was again – double checking on Prim. She knew she needed to let go. She sighed again in frustration.

"I know I need to back off, Prim. I'm trying not to feel so much . . . so responsible, I guess. But it's just hard. That's all I can remember doing."

Prim launched herself into her sister's arms, and Katniss' heart clinched. She felt near to tears though she could not have explained why.

When Prim finally released her and leaned away, Katniss cleared her throat and said, "Just promise me one thing: no motorcycle rides."

"Hell no," Prim said with amusement in her voice. "It's amazing he can even get that thing cranked."

* * *

They had gone to bed soon after that, and Katniss had arrived early at Ridgecrest. She spent all of Friday making her way through a list of tasks Haymitch had left for her: some minor maintenance, some more pressing issues. She had started her own list of long-term projects, several that she'd have to do some legwork for before returning in two weeks.

She was due to have dinner with Haymitch tonight, and she was almost ready to go, but she kept finding herself caught up in her surroundings. Like looking out this window up to the meadow. She couldn't think of the meadow now without thinking about those early weeks of camp when she was first getting to know Peeta. She was surprised now to think of how hard she had fought against him, how much she had resisted him. How ridiculous that seemed to her now.

She felt so different sometimes. Scattered. Feverish. Girly. She wasn't girly! But she couldn't keep her mind from wandering to him in her quiet moments, and just thinking about their time together had her blushing and every nerve ending firing beyond her control.

* * *

Katniss knocked on Haymitch's screen door and called inside. "Haymitch?"

"Come on in," he called from the back.

She stepped inside and surveyed the clutter surrounding her. His cabin was larger than hers – more spacious rooms, larger windows, higher ceilings. But looking around at the piles, it was hard to take stock of any extra space.

She made her way into the kitchen and saw him through the window on his back porch lighting a charcoal grill. She glanced around the kitchen. It looked like Haymitch had sprung for steaks and had even purchased a vegetable or two.

As he walked back inside, she raised her eyebrows at him. "Haymitch, what's all this? If I didn't know better, I'd say you missed me."

He took a drag from the beer on the kitchen counter. "I miss you like my yearly Colonoscopy."

She wrinkled up her nose. "If you lived a healthier lifestyle, you might not have to have them yearly." She held up a loaf of bread before putting it on the counter. "From Peeta," she said.

"Uh huh. And so I guess you haven't run him off yet?"

"Not yet," she said scowling. "Only a matter of time, I guess."

"Nah, he's not easily scared, that one. How is the boy wonder?"

Katniss squirmed under his gaze, infinitely uncomfortable with this conversation. "Good," she said, trying to keep her voice neutral.

Haymitch reached into the refrigerator for two beers, taking the cap off one and handing it to her. "You look like you could use one of these."

Reaching for it, she took a long drink, concentrating on the feeling of the cool liquid running down her throat. Haymitch leaned against the counter expectantly.

She raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"Are you being nice to him?"

"Yes," she said. She could hear for herself the peevish tone in her voice and sighed. "What do want to know?" she said wearily.

"What do you want to tell me?"

Her eyebrows lowered over her eyes. What did she want to tell him? She wasn't sure she wanted to tell him anything.

"Things are good. It's new. Everything is new. It's a lot to get used to."

"And we both know how spectacularly you've handled change in the past."

She rolled her eyes but said nothing.

"Can I give you some advice?"

She frowned. She was not sure that she wanted to hear what he had to say. He pointed at her. "Your spunk gets in the way."

And what is that supposed to mean, she thought to herself. She stared at him and tried her best to look detached.

"Do you love him?"

She froze, feeling flushed and chilled at the same time. He was waiting for her to answer.

Katniss didn't know if she could answer that question, but as she stood in silence, she thought of how Peeta pulled on her lower lip when he kissed her. And how she could barely stand to be near him and not touch him. She thought about how thoughtful and gentle he was when all he'd ever been given was cold indifference or heated anger. Did she love him?

"I think so," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

"You need to trust that, sweetheart."

* * *

When Katniss got back to her cabin, she unrolled her sleeping bag on the bunk Haymitch had moved into the cabin for her to use when she stayed over weekends. The cabin was still warm from the heat of the day, but a cool breeze was coming in through the window next to her bed, and as she lay down, she stretched her whole body, her arms high over her head and her toes pointing at the foot of the bed.

She was tired, and after only a month away from camp, her body had grown unused to the physical labor that had been a routine part of her day for the last two years. She pulled her knee up to her chest and turned over, swiveling her hip to feel the muscle stretch. She'd have to start some sort of exercise routine in Atlanta. She didn't really see herself as a runner, and the idea of running down the city streets of Atlanta seemed almost silly to her – so far from the realm of exercise she was accustomed to – but she guessed she would do it all the same.

One more change.

She rolled over to stretch her other hip. Peeta had called Thursday to let her know he would be able to get off of work early tomorrow, so she'd have half a day to finish up her work at camp before he'd be up to meet her. And then they would make the drive to Winding Creek Falls.

Everything was pretty much ready. She had borrowed a tent along with the basic tools they would need from the Ridgecrest supply. Peeta was in charge of food, which excited her. Whenever she went camping, she basically lived off of Power Bars and Ramen, but she knew he'd be much more creative than that.

And the weather forecast was perfect – sunny and clear though the mountain woods would be cool at night. She shivered in her bed and slid under the flap of her sleeping bag.

* * *

Katniss was cleaning out and organizing the shed next to the swimming pool when she heard him call her name. She looked up and saw him by the far fence.

She stood and waved. "Five minutes!" she called. Her voice echoed off the walls of the empty pool that she had drained and cleaned.

Soon she was done and heading back to her cabin. She found him sitting on her bed.

"This place is so different without your stuff here," he said, standing. "It seems so small."

She walked into the room. "I know," she said, kissing him. "Everything's different."

He tugged her hips closer and captured her mouth again, softly probing with his tongue before sucking on her lower lip. "Hi," he said.

"Hi."

"Ready to go?"

* * *

The walk to their campsite took a little over an hour. For the first twenty minutes, they tracked along a service vehicle path that was wide and easy to traverse. Soon enough, however, they cut into the woods, following a foot path that wound its way along a ridge. Everything around them was a deep green, the colors of September after a summer with plenty of rain. The woods were noisy with birds, and here and there Katniss stopped to listen, pulling out a notebook to jot down notes about what she was hearing before moving on down the trail.

After walking through the woods for another fifteen minutes, they began to skirt the edge of a deep ravine.

"That's where we're heading," she said, pointing.

"What, down there?"

"Yep. You can just hear the falls from here."

They reached an outcropping of rocks, and she stopped and sat down, rummaging through her pack for her water bottle. She handed it to him, and as he drank, she watched the muscles in his throat. A breeze blew up from the forest below, lifting the tendrils of hair that had escaped her braid.

"My father first brought me here," she said abruptly. Peeta lowered the water bottle, studying her face. She swallowed. "I used to come here a lot when I first got hired at Ridgecrest, but it's been a while now since the last time."

He reached for her hand. "Thank you for sharing this with me. Now I'm even more excited to see it."

She nodded. "I wanted you to know."

He leaned in and gave her a brief kiss. "How much farther?" he asked.

"We're, uh, pretty close," she said. "We've got to hike down, though it shouldn't take more than about twenty minutes, and then once we're down, there's a place where we can camp just a little bit further."

"Twenty minutes down?"

"Mmm hmm."

"So that means twenty minutes back up on the way out, right?"

"Yeah, except it will take longer going up than it does going down."

"You trying to kick my ass with this hike?"

She smiled, holding back a laugh. She knew Peeta's hiking and camping experience was limited. The views and surrounding hiking trails were incredible, and except for this part of the trail, the hike was fairly easy. "We've got to do something to work off all those pastries I'm sure you've brought with you!"

He was laughing as he said, "I might have brought some pastries. But you did put me in charge of food. Among other things."

Her head jerked up to look at him when she realized what he meant. She could feel a smile forming, so she pursed her lips together to control it. But she knew he'd seen, and she couldn't figure out why this embarrassed her, and that just embarrassed her even more. The anticipation was killing her. The fact that his t-shirt was sticking to his chest didn't help.

Pulling their gear back together, they started off down the path. It descended steeply right away. For five minutes, they cautiously stepped their way down a razor-back trail. By this point, Katniss' pack had grown heavy – she'd known they wouldn't have far to go, so she hadn't worried too much about packing light. Her center of gravity was higher than normal, and several times she found her arms raised out at her sides, balancing herself as they descended.

"At least our packs will be lighter on the way back up, right?" Peeta's voice was just behind her. "I'm going to make sure you eat every last one of the cheese buns I brought."

"Are you kidding? If I'd known you'd brought them, I'd have had one when we stopped a minute ago!"

They walked on a few minutes more. "We're almost done with the hardest part," she said over her shoulder. In front of her she could see the first sharp turn, indicating the portion of the trail that would traverse the rest of the decline with a series of switch backs. She stopped at the first turn, waiting for him to catch up.

"My quads are gonna be talking to me tomorrow," he said, smiling. He was always smiling, even when she was putting him through hell.

She reached out and cupped his face before rising up on her tip toes to kiss him. The hair at the back of his neck was slightly sweaty and hanging in tiny curls.

* * *

Finally the path leveled off, and after walking about a quarter of a mile more, they reached a clearing, and Katniss stopped.

"The creek is about fifty yards that way," she said pointing. "We can get water easily. And I thought we could set up the tent here." She scanned the area. "And here," she said, taking a few steps and moving a large stone into place among a ring of stones. "Campfire." She turned back to look at him.

Peeta was smiling at her. "We're here!" he said.

Katniss could tell she was grinning like an idiot, and she felt suddenly bashful. She busied herself pulling off her pack and unwinding the straps that had secured the tent to it.

They agreed that Katniss would set up the tent while Peeta went off to the stream to refill their water supply. The woods around her were alive with birds, and the wind cooled her skin as the trees filtered the late afternoon sun.

She climbed out of the tent after arranging their sleeping bags to find Peeta returning. He handed her a bottle, and she drank deeply, her eyes never leaving his.

"I guess we should start thinking about supper," she said, but her voice trailed off as he lifted his hand to trace the triangle of skin exposed by her v-neck t-shirt.

She dropped the bottle onto the soft ground at her feet as he backed her towards the tent. Her heart was racing.

Stopping at the entrance to the tent, she kicked off her shoes and pulled at her socks. "There's not much room in there," she said.

He followed her lead, and when he had finished, she reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. Her eyes followed the fabric as it exposed his skin.

He was staring at her so intently that she paused, waiting, sensing he had something to say. Her heart was pounding in her throat as she braced herself for whatever was coming.

"Katniss, I…" He stopped himself and kissed her suddenly, his lips finding hers with an urgency that had her clutching at him, pulling on his back. He broke the kiss but did not pull away, his lips pressed to her cheek. She kept her eyes closed, listening, feeling his lips move against her skin as he spoke.

"Katniss, I love you. I think part of me has always loved you. I want you so much, but this isn't all I want." He pulled back to look at her, and the intensity in his blue eyes made her tremble. "I love you and I want all of you."

He was kissing her again before he even finished speaking, and she felt like her brain was scrambling her senses, as if she could feel his words, feel the meaning behind his words more than hear them.

His lips moved down her neck as she gasped and held onto him, holding herself up. "Yes," she said. Her voice was rough and her mind was reeling and her body felt like it was on fire. She pushed the words out. "Peeta, I love you. I love you, too."

In one smooth movement, he picked her up. Her legs wrapped around him as he ducked into the tent. He fell gently to his knees, and she pulled him down on top of her.

They discarded the rest of their clothes quickly, and then for the first time, she felt him flush against her. She shivered as his hand ran down her hip. Moving her hips against his, she sought him, reaching for his waist and pulling on him, grasping, trying to crawl up inside him.

He pushed down on her hips, stilling them, and she whimpered in frustration. His lips moved to her breasts, teasing her nipple with his tongue. She arched under him, and her hips found his again.

"No," he said, his voice playful but firm. "Not yet."

Lifting off of her, he settled at her side and trailed his hand up her inner thigh. When his fingers curled up into her, she whimpered again. She was strung tight in anticipation as his fingers moved deftly over her. Her thoughts dissolved around her and she could only feel herself rising to meet him. His fingers strummed inside of her, drawing her out until finally she began to unravel. Her hips moved with his hand desperately. When his lips tickled her nipple again, she arched, grasping his hair, anchoring herself to him as her body let go in an ecstatic, gasping release.

She was still trying to catch her breath when she heard him say, "Uh oh."

She lifted her head in alarm. "What?"

"The condoms are still in my pack." He crawled over to the front of the tent and unzipped the entrance. He stuck his head out and then pulled it back in. "What's the likelihood that someone is going to walk by?"

She couldn't help but giggle as she reached out to run her hand over him. "Very small," she said, smiling as he rolled over and popped out of the tent. She could hear him scrambling in his pack, and then he was suddenly diving back into the tent as she laughed outright.

He fumbled to open the box and rip a condom off the strip. Reaching for it, Katniss opened the foil. Their eyes met, the mirth dissipating into the air as he guided her hands.

Leaning back, she pulled him to her, holding his hips as he finally settled between her thighs and rested his weight on his arms. He paused a moment, looking at her.

He reached down to trace her cheekbone, cup her face in his palm. She pulled him closer, capturing his lips with hers. His groan vibrated up through him as he pushed up into her. Gasping, her head dropped back on the ground. She felt small, too tight. It had been such a long time. He hovered over her as he slowly pulled out. The emptiness engulfed her, and she surged up to meet him, rolling her hips and pulling him tight against her. This time they both groaned.

She forced her eyes open to watch him move over her. His body was strong and taut, and his face was serious, concentrating. She could tell he was holding back.

"Peeta," she said, lifting her hand to his cheek.

He opened his eyes, and when he realized she'd been watching him, he swooped down and kissed her greedily.

She wrapped her legs around him and gripped his shoulders. Circling her waist, he pulled up on her hips, guiding her movements. The heat inside her was building again, and when his hand found her once more, she closed her eyes and surrendered to the delirium that engulfed them both.

Gasping, he kissed her cheek before rolling onto his back. The cool, evening air washed over her.

As soon as he caught his first breath, Peeta laughed, a deep, satisfied sound that spilled out with each new breath.

She lifted her head and looked at him. "Are you laughing?"

He threw his arm around her and pulled her close, practically back under him as he settled more comfortably, still chuckling.

She burrowed the ridge of her nose into his neck, smiling as his breathing evened out and his body grew heavy. After a few minutes nuzzling him, she began to squirm.

"I'm hungry."

He smiled, his eyes still closed. "Of course you are," he said, his voice drowsy.

Sitting up, her eyes fell on the line of his shoulder as it tapered to his waist. God, he was a beautiful human being. A huge smile was plastered across his face, and she reached out and took his cheek in the palm of her hand.

"Mmm," he said.

She squeezed his cheek. And then tweaked his nose. And then attempted to pull his eyelid up before he flinched away laughing. "Stop!"

"I'm hungry!"

He reached for her and pulled her down on top of him and then rolled so she was trapped beneath him again. He sighed. "This is comfortable. Now I can sleep."

She wheezed out a breath. "Oh my god, you are so heavy." She puffed out another breath. "Seriously," she gasped, laughing as he shifted but still kept her close to him. "I'd like to breathe!"

He reached with his lips and began biting her neck as she squirmed and giggled. Finally, he lifted himself up on his forearms as she breathed deeply and controlled her laughter. She looked up at his smiling face and without forethought, she said it, initiating it for the first time.

"I love you."

* * *

Of course Peeta had planned what was a gourmet meal in camping terms, and they ate greedily, going back for seconds and thirds before stretching their legs out towards the fire. They sat, sated in every way as the darkness closed in around them.

The sounds of the forest were familiar to her, and her body relaxed with each passing moment.

When Peeta got up to put another log on the fire, Katniss ducked into the tent and grabbed a sleeping bag. After unzipping it and spreading it out in front of the fire, she stretched out with her arms crossed beneath her head.

He joined her a moment later. "This is a lot different from sleeping in the meadow," he said.

"I hope so," she said with sarcasm in her voice. She rolled over to him, and he lifted his arm to let her snuggle into his chest.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

She lifted her head so she could face him. "What for?"

"For bringing me here. For trusting me." His eyes were solemn as he looked at her. "I'm happier with you than I've ever been before."

She ran her thumb across his cheek. Her heart tightened inside her for this man, so perfect in so many ways, who had known so much sadness and disappointment. More, really, than she had even known herself.

When she kissed him, her lips moved over his softly and her tongue traced the curve of his lower lip. "I want you to be happy."

* * *

Katniss woke in the night to find her face pressed up between his shoulder blades, one arm tight around his waist. They had fallen asleep by the fire, and he must have gotten up at some point to get the other sleeping bag for it was draped over them.

She smiled into his back and bent her knees, looking for his under the covers. He stirred, reaching his arm back behind him to pull her closer before settling back into sleep.

* * *

They spent most of the next morning hiking down to the falls. The path that descended beside the falls was wet and slippery in parts, so they had to proceed cautiously, but once they reached the bottom, the climb had been well worth it.

The roaring Winding Creek Falls was more than 200 feet wide with several rocky ledges for standing and jumping into the pool below. A sandy beach flanked one side, and there Peeta and Katniss set down their packs

"Swim first or eat?" she asked him.

"Swim. Definitely." He shucked off his shirt and began untying his shoes as Katniss did the same.

The water was icy – even on this humid day – and as they got their feet wet, Katniss felt a chill run up her spine. The air was much cooler this close to the falls, and as they waded out, the spray filled the air and the noise was deafening.

She motioned to Peeta to follow her as she stepped gingerly over the rocky bed of the creek towards the far side of the falls. Once the water had reached her waist, she could barely stand their slow descent into the cold, so she plunged in, diving shallowly to thoroughly embrace the chilly water.

She came up sputtering and called to him. He was smiling and shaking his head, but he ducked under the water as well and surfaced next to her. His hands found her waist immediately as he pulled her to him under the water.

"It's freezing!" he shouted. She turned to face him and wrapped her arms around his neck as she kissed him.

She was beginning to shake and she could feel the goose bumps on his back, so she pulled away. "C'mon!" she shouted.

She made her way to the bank next to the falls where she pulled herself out of the water with Peeta following. From there, she picked her way around the rocks, climbing a bit higher along the falls until she could step out onto a long, flat rock that jutted out over the pool. A single jet of the falls shot out over it, and she stuck her hand out to catch the spray coming down.

She felt Peeta's hand on her waist and turned to him. "Ready?" she yelled.

He took her hand in his and stepped out to the edge of the rock. She took a quick step and leapt out. She could feel him next to her as they dropped to the pool below.

And then they were caught up in the torrent, Peeta's hand wrenched from hers as they were pummeled by the water coming down that pushed them further into the stream. She popped up and looked for him. He surfaced nearby, and they swam until they could both touch the bottom.

After several rounds of jumping off the rock, they dragged themselves to the beach and pulled out sandwiches to eat.

"This is amazing," Peeta said, taking a bite. He chewed for a minute. "I guess the falls at Ridgecrest are the only ones I've ever really seen up close, but this is huge in comparison."

They sat and enjoyed the afternoon. The sun was bright and hot, but the spray from the falls kept the air cool. After eating, Katniss lay down with her head in Peeta's lap. He released the band at the end of her braid and gently worked his fingers through her hair.

She stretched, arching her back and pointing her toes as she let the sun warm her skin. Her mind drifted.

* * *

Katniss awoke some time later to the sound of Peeta's voice. Her cheek was pressed up against his side from where she had rolled over in her sleep.

She sat up and looked at him, realizing he wasn't talking to her. He smiled at her a moment before his eyes flitted back over her shoulder.

She turned and saw an older couple. They had pitched a tent near the scrub at the side of the trail that headed south of the falls, and they were standing talking to Peeta.

Sitting up straight, Katniss shielded her eyes from the sun and looked up at them. They seemed to be in their fifties? Sixties? Katniss couldn't tell. The woman seemed to be talking about her garden.

"Right," Peeta answered. "That was my impression, too." He put his hand on Katniss' back and glanced at her. "Marg, Jack, this is my girlfriend, Katniss."

Katniss smiled up at them. "Hi," she said, somewhat embarrassed. "I guess I fell asleep?"

Marg chuckled. "With a handsome man like that, I imagine you haven't been getting too much sleep."

Katniss' mouth fell open and her face grow hot. Peeta laughed outright and wrapped her in his arms from behind.

"Marg, you've embarrassed her!" Jack chided. "I'm sorry. She knows not everyone is as forthright as she is."

"Marg and Jack are from Asheville," Peeta put in. "I was telling them my grandparents were from there, too."

"I'm afraid we didn't know of them," Marg answered. "But it's a lovely city. Lots of good hiking around there, too. You should come up to visit sometime."

"Absolutely. I really want to see the city, maybe figure out where my grandparents lived," Peeta said. He released Katniss and stood up. "We should probably start the hike back up to our camp, don't you think?" he said. "One more swim?"

"Definitely."

* * *

They took their time hiking up the falls back to their tent. The afternoon had grown hot and humid, and when they arrived at their tent, Katniss asked, "Feel like a shower?"

"What?"

"There's a place at the top of the falls where you can stand under the spray. I brought some soap and stuff. I wouldn't mind getting clean."

"Sure. Though I imagine it will be a very cold shower, right?"

"Yep," said Katniss, searching through her pack until she pulled out a travel soap container and two small bottles. Their towels were still wet from swimming, but Peeta grabbed them anyway and followed her back down the trail.

As they reached the falls, Katniss left the path and wound her way towards the sound of the water. It had been several years since she'd been here, but she thought she could find the spot where the water fell over a high rock. After following the creek for several yards, she came to the place. She shimmied down the bank.

Peeta was watching her and shaking his head. "You are unbelievable."

"What?" she said smiling. "Come on! I'll hold you if you'll hold me."

More cautiously, he skidded down the bank and stepped forward as she pulled her shirt over her head.

"Just hold my hips as I lean back under the water."

"Aren't you going to take the rest of your clothes off?"

"Uh, well, I wasn't," she said, looking around.

"Well I am. This is secluded, and we haven't even seen anyone except for Jack and Marg. I mean, if we're going to do this, I want to actually get clean."

She knew her cheeks were flushed, but she shrugged her shoulders and pulled down the straps of her bathing suit, pushing it and her shorts down before she could think too much about it.

She was acutely aware of his eyes on her. "You going to join me," she asked, "or am I just putting on a show?"

In no time, his swim trunks were on the ground. She smiled as he reached for her, opening her mouth to his kiss and relaxing into him. She ran her hands down his back as he began to undo her braid once more. It was tangled, and she broke the kiss to turn and let him unwind her hair.

Once he'd finished, he fanned it out on her back before allowing his hand to skim down her arms and back up her sides, cupping her breasts. She could feel him hardening behind her. His lips found her neck.

"We should probably get started," she said. "Don't want to press our luck." She turned to face him as she backed towards the spray. "Hold my hips!"

He grasped her firmly, and she leaned back, allowing the small cascade of water to soak her hair and face. Water ran down her chest, and she shivered, goose bumps emerging on her arms. Her nipples hardened, and when she pulled back out of the spray and opened her eyes, the desire in his face made her stomach plummet. She looked at him and swallowed. "Your turn."

They reversed positions, and Katniss eagerly watched his body, his stomach muscles taut, his arms flexed as he leaned back into the water.

"Shit," he said, emerging from the spray. "It feels even colder up here."

She laughed as she reached for the shampoo. He took it from her and turned her around so he could work it through her hair. Next, he picked up the soap and ran it under the water before returning to her and beginning to lather her body. She closed her eyes as the soap slid over her skin and his hands began to warm her again. He teased her nipples before swiping the soap back and forth over her stomach. His fingers combed through the hair between her legs.

"Why didn't we bring a condom with us?" she murmured.

"I am never going anywhere without one ever again," he said as he knelt in front of her, his hands rubbing the soap down one thigh, over her knee, and down her calf to the ankle. After he had done the same to her other leg, he stood and led her back over to the water.

He rinsed his hands before grasping her hips tightly, and she leaned back into the spray. Her hands worked through her hair to rinse the lather before she angled different body parts under the water to rinse herself thoroughly.

When she finished, she straightened up and twisted her hair to wring the excess water out of it.

"Your turn," she said, reaching for the shampoo and squeezing a dollop into her palm. She rubbed her hands together before coming up behind him and working her fingers through his hair. He relaxed his neck, letting his head fall back closer to her. He moaned softly as her fingers massaged her scalp.

"Why haven't we done this before?" he asked. "You know, with warm water."

"This definitely needs to be added to our repertoire."

She picked up the soap and began to rub it over his shoulders. Once she worked up a dense lather, she put the soap away and spread the suds down his back to his waist. She used her thumbs to deeply rub along the base of his backbone before slipping her hands further down and around, cleaning him.

She could feel him harden, and he chuckled. "As soon as I get back under that water, we'll have to start all over," he said.

"I want to wait until we get back to our tent anyway," she said. "No satisfying you with my hands today."

He turned and brought his hands to her face as he leaned in and kissed her.

"Well, then," he said, breaking the kiss. "Let's finish up."

* * *

**A/N **Winding Creek Falls and the surrounding area is a fictional place. It most resembles Panther Creek Falls in North Georgia, but the waterfall I've written about is larger and more like one I visited in North Carolina a few years ago. I've reblogged on my tumblr some pics of Panther Creek as well as a NC waterfall that show what a beautiful area of the country it is. If you go to my blog (PenelopeWeaving dot tumblr dot com) and search the tag 3 Words, you'll find them.

BohemianRider helped so much with this chapter! I was seriously ready to fade to black in the tent if it hadn't been for her help and encouragement.


	5. Negotiating the Days

**Chapter 5: Negotiating the Days**

**October, 1992**

Katniss strode into the bakery and slapped the sign down on the counter before Peeta had really realized she was in the shop. He turned, still holding a tray of fresh cupcakes, and his eyebrows shot up with surprise.

"Hey," he said, sliding the tray into the case and closing the glass door. He made his way around the counter so he could hug her and nuzzle her neck. He hadn't even seen the sign she'd brought him.

Katniss had experimented with cutting through neighborhoods to find the best way home from work and had finally settled on a route that took her deep into Decatur before dumping her out onto Ponce de Leon Avenue. It wouldn't have been the shortest route normally, but in late afternoon traffic, it enabled her to sidestep several busy intersections.

Today as she drove home, she had passed a house with a sign in front advertising an attic apartment for rent for $525. She'd pulled over, pulled the cardboard placard off the wooden post, and then driven straight to the bakery.

As Peeta's lips searched for hers, she squirmed out of his arms.

"You didn't even see what I brought you!" she scolded, reaching for the sign. "Look!"

He took it from her and read it a moment before looking back up. "Where? Where'd you get this? And did you take the sign out of a yard?"

"I didn't want anyone else to see it! It wasn't there this morning when I drove by. It's over on Harold Avenue, right off of Clifton. You need to call! Right now!"

Katniss followed as Peeta whirled around and walked into the kitchen, disappearing into the back office. Mr. Mellark was standing at the counter scooping out cookie dough onto a baking sheet.

"Hey Mr. Mellark," Katniss said.

"Katniss, please, call me Upton."

She smiled and nodded and tried not to fidget. She didn't feel comfortable around him at all, and if she thought too much about it, she'd just get mad.

"Would you like a cookie?" he asked her.

"No, thanks," she said, trying to smile. She was relieved to see Peeta returning to the kitchen.

"I can go see it now," he told her. He turned to face his father. "Dad, I've been looking for an apartment, and Katniss found one for rent that I can go look at now. Is it OK if I leave a few minutes early?"

His father's face had fallen as Peeta spoke. "An apartment? But Peeta, you don't need to move out."

Peeta looked at his father a moment before replying. "Dad, I'm almost twenty one. Most guys my age have been living on their own for a few years now." He glanced quickly at Katniss before continuing. "It's not that I don't appreciate being able to live at home all this time, but I just think it's important to find my own place now."

Upton Mellark looked at Peeta for a moment, and Katniss saw his expression mirrored in his son's face. He gave a brief nod. "Yes," he said, but his voice was sad. "Of course I understand. It's just that your mother will be so disappointed." He brightened his voice forcibly. "But yes, go look at it!"

Peeta grimaced. "Thanks." He held out his hand to Katniss and pulled her towards the back door. "If it doesn't take too long, I'll come back."

"No, no, don't worry about it, Peet. Just go. I'll see you later."

* * *

The apartment wasn't much to look at. A rickety, wrought-iron staircase led from the back of the driveway up to the third floor of the house, and a rusty sliding glass door scraped open to reveal a long, narrow room with slanted ceilings. It was an attic and no mistake.

A small alcove held the smallest refrigerator and stove Katniss had ever seen. There was a single counter top with exactly two cabinets and one drawer.

"Not a lot of cooking going on here," Peeta said with a grimace.

Katniss had walked into the larger room, the living room. Two dormer windows jutted out from one wall bringing in some natural light, but the light seemed to be sucked up by the dark-stained wood that lined the floors and walls.

"Nice paneling," Katniss said. "Very 70's."

"I wonder if she'd let me paint."

On the far wall was a closed door. Katniss reached it first and opened it. Perpendicular to the living room, the bedroom spanned the front of the house and had three different windows, two dormers on the front but one large window that took up almost one side wall.

"This is better," Peeta said, walking towards the window. "I could paint here at least."

"It's definitely spacious," she said. "Plenty of room even if the ceilings make it feel a little closed in."

"Yeah. I have room for my stuff. Kitchen sucks, but the rent's so low, I can't expect too much, I guess."

She turned around. "What do you think?"

"I think this is it." He smiled at her, and her heart soared. Getting him out of his parents' house was her first priority. She crossed the room to him and reached for his face as his arms clamped around her. His kiss was soft and she could feel him smiling, his lips stretching out under hers.

He pulled back, and his eyes were bright. "Let's go talk to them," she said.

* * *

Katniss lay looking up at the ceiling above Peeta's bed as she listened to him falling more deeply into sleep. They were surrounded by boxes. There were no sheets on the bed. She was pretty sure the sliding glass door was partially open still, but that hadn't stopped Peeta from throwing her down on his bed the moment they'd gotten it set up in his new apartment.

She smiled, allowing herself to drift under the weight of his arm, which he'd thrown over her as he'd burrowed into her side. They still had a lot of work ahead of them just to unpack the basics and get his apartment liveable. Plus, Katniss had homework to catch up on that she hadn't had time to fit in this week between classes and work.

But she moved all of those thoughts to the periphery of her consciousness for just a little while as she turned further into him and breathed in the musk of sweat that clung to his skin. She closed her eyes and surrendered to the quiet around her.

When she woke, the room had grown dark and she was alone in the bed. A blanket was tucked around her, and as she sat up, she could see light underneath the door of the bedroom. She reached for her clothes and made her way into the main room of Peeta's apartment. He was standing at his stove, and she smelled bacon.

"You're cooking? I'm pretty sure most people just order pizza the first night they move into an apartment, right?"

He turned to her and smiled. "Do you know how long I've waited to have my own kitchen?"

She smiled and reached up to kiss his cheek as he continued.

"And I've never been so happy to have these five square feet of space." She laughed as he bumped her hip with his own. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to flip these eggs, and there's not room enough in here for both of us."

She backed out and sat down on a folding chair. They'd have to get him some furniture, for he had little to fill this plac. But as she pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs, she couldn't help but smile as she watched him. There was something about his stance, the way he held his shoulders. He was more relaxed than she'd ever seen him, and for that, she was truly grateful.

* * *

Peeta had been in his new apartment for three weeks now, and since then, they had spent only a few nights away from each other. Weekends after Peeta finished up at the bakery, they stayed at her place, but most other nights, they were at his.

It was difficult sometimes. Classes were in full swing – In fact, she needed to start thinking about midterms next week – and their hours had filled up. Three days a week, Katniss had morning classes, so she found herself getting up early with Peeta so that she could get out in time to make it back over to Georgia Tech.

And then there were the nights that one or both of them needed to spend in the library. Katniss, particularly, found herself more pulled towards her own side of the city. For almost all of her classes, study groups had formed, and they generally met at night in the library. Even if she wasn't meeting a group, she spent long hours in the computer lab typing up lab reports or working on projects. It was so much easier to scoot home afterwards and collapse in her own bed, but she usually made the trek to Peeta's anyway to spend the few hours sleeping there before getting up early again the next morning.

Peeta, too, was more stressed. He was taking a notoriously hard accounting class this semester, and his free time was practically non-existent. And though he hadn't said it, she was pretty sure his parents were making him feel guilty for moving out.

Every night, they fell into bed – often at different times – barely cognizant enough to even know the other one was there. But she woke to the warm comfort of his body at her back each morning. It made getting out of bed all the more difficult.

The only respite was the weekends when they could shove off work and homework for at least a little while. And those moments made Katniss know it was all worthwhile. No matter how stressed, frustrated, tired, or cranky she was, the moment Peeta walked into her house on Saturday afternoon, a weight lifted from her shoulders. She took deeper breaths. Her smile came more easily. His touch softened the stress of the week.

It was okay because they were together and had time to just be.

* * *

Ever since Katniss had gone home prior to Labor Day weekend, she had made a point to call Prim more often. She really hated talking on the phone, and the years she'd lived at camp without a phone in her own cabin had enabled her to pretty much avoid using one.

But now that she was living in an actual house with an actual phone line, she realized she needed to make more of an effort.

It was during one of their conversations that Prim had brought up the idea of coming to Atlanta to stay with Katniss one weekend. The sisters had volleyed back and forth until they had found a weekend that worked for both of them – the weekend of Peeta's twenty-first birthday.

Katniss didn't really realize it at first. But when she had, she'd been nervous to tell him.

"I can change our plans," she said. "I can ask Prim to come another weekend."

"No," Peeta had said, shaking his head. "That's silly. I've never made a big deal out of my birthday, so there's no need to start now. It'll be fun having her here."

Katniss wasn't sure if she should believe him or not. But the plans were made, and it was just easier to stick with them.

She celebrated Peeta's birthday when he got home from class on the Thursday night before. Katniss had skipped her Organic Chemistry study group and instead was at his apartment when he arrived. She'd splurged on take-out from Tamarind Seed, his favorite Thai restaurant.

After they'd gorged on Massaman Curry and Basil Rolls, she grabbed two boxes from the corner and brought them to the table.

"Open the bigger one, first," she said.

He unwrapped the paper and then pulled the lid off. Inside was a small, square suitcase, leather and old-fashioned with gold clasps.

"What's this?" he asked, smiling, as he pulled the suitcase from the box.

"It's a shack bag!" she said.

"I love it! What's a shack bag?"

"For when you're shacking up at my place!" she explained. "So you're not always switching your books in and out of your backpack. I saw it in that thrift store at Toco Hills, and I really liked it."

He reached across the table and kissed her. "Thank you," he said. "I can't wait to take it for a test run."

She smiled as she pushed the smaller box towards him. It was white and unwrapped. "Do I recognize this box?" he said with a smirk.

"Maybe."

He turned it to see the blue sticker on the side that read _Mellark's_. "Did I make my own birthday cake?"

"No," she said with light sarcasm. "But you might have made your own birthday cupcakes." She smiled. "How am I supposed to present you with any kind of confection? It would never be good enough!"

"That's not true," he said, opening the lid and lifting out two, perfectly-iced chocolate cupcakes. "Cream cheese frosting is my favorite," he said, dipping his finger in and tasting it.

"I know," she replied, taking a cupcake from him and holding it up in a toast. "Happy birthday, Peeta." She reached across the table to kiss him, and his tongue tasted of frosting.

* * *

Prim managed to make it to Katniss' house before Friday afternoon traffic picked up. They immediately ordered pizza and began a marathon of John Hughes movies.

They had finished _Sixteen Candles_ and _Some Kind of Wonderful_, when Prim turned to Katniss and said, "Was Peeta your first?"

Katniss looked at her sister steadily. This was a conversation she knew would be good for them to have, but she wasn't sure she could pull it off.

She smiled weakly. "No. Though I kinda wish he had been."

Prim's eyes grew wide. "Then who was?"

"Do you remember when I dated Andy Postel?" Prim's forehead wrinkled as she thought, a line forming between her eyebrows. "Yeah, I think so. I'd forgotten."

"Yeah, well, we didn't date very long."

"What happened?"

"It's no big story. I slept with someone I shouldn't have. I mean, in retrospect, it's obvious that he was a bad choice. But I don't know . . ." Her voice trailed off. "I think I was just flattered that he was interested. He pursued me. And he was really good looking, so . . ."

Katniss sat quiet for a moment longer. "I was totally unprepared to deal with someone like him – though I should have been. You'd think after our childhoods, I'd have seen him coming a mile away."

"Katniss, you can't blame yourself because someone else is a jerk."

"Oh I blame him, sure! But I played my part, too." She sighed. "Anyway, he was my first and last until Peeta." She looked at Prim carefully. "Your turn. Tell me about Rory."

Prim's face lit up as she smiled. Her eyes were bright, and happiness shone on her sister's face.

"We haven't done it yet, but..."

"But you're thinking about it."

"Yes." Prim was blushing and smiling and looking up at her sister so wistfully that Katniss thought her heart would break.

"Is Rory pressuring you?"

"NO! No. I mean, he wants us to. Really, really badly. But he said he'd wait for me."

Katniss' radar went up on the 'really, really badly,' but she didn't say anything.

"But we've been together for _forever_ now, since June, and, well, I want to."

"How far have you gone already?"

"We've touched each other."

"Oral?"

"Uh, no. I'm kinda scared of that."

"That's okay." Katniss waited a beat. "But I'd say that if you're scared of it, you're probably not ready for it."

"How did you know? With Peeta, I mean?"

Katniss felt the flush spread up her neck and cheeks, and damn if she wasn't mad that she couldn't seem to talk about this without her face getting red. "For me, I just needed to trust him. And despite what I would have thought, trusting Peeta turned out to be surprisingly easy. Even though I fought it for awhile."

Prim nodded. "How long did y'all wait?"

"Uh, about a month after we got back from camp? But at that point, we were waiting on AIDS tests." She turned to Prim more seriously. "Has Rory had sex yet? 'Cause if he has, he has to get tested first. Before you do anything further."

"No, no, he hasn't. It's his first, too."

"Good. Well that's something. But you still need to use a condom."

"We will. I might go on the pill."

Katniss nodded. She needed to do the same thing, actually. "You just need to be smart about it, Prim. It's gotta be something you plan. It can't just happen if you're not prepared."

"I know." Prim smiled at Katniss again and grabbed her hand.

Katniss smiled back. "It's exciting," she admitted. She reached out to tuck a strand of blonde hair behind her sister's ear.

* * *

Prim had begged Katniss to take her shopping, seeing as Ellijay's selections were less than diverse. So the girls and Jo had spent Saturday afternoon picking through the shops in Little Five Points and the Highlands before going over to pick up Peeta and head to Jagger's.

Katniss shook her head at the thought of drinking beer with her little sister as they celebrated Peeta's birthday. It was a raucous night. Jo had agreed to drive, and Thresh had shown up, too, surprising Peeta. He hugged his friend, whom he hadn't seen since camp ended.

"How did you know to come?" he asked.

"Katniss called me," he said with a shrug.

Peeta looked over at Katniss, and she felt instantly embarrassed under the spotlight of his affectionate gaze. "What?" she said. "I'm just sorry Finnick couldn't come."

"Who said Finnick couldn't come?" The man's voice boomed from behind them and they all swiveled to see Finnick making a typically ostentatious entrance across the crowded bar. "Would I miss the boy's big day?" he asked, clapping Peeta on the back. "Barmaid! Get me a glass!" he bellowed to no one in particular.

Prim pushed an empty glass across the table towards him.

"And who are you?" he asked with an enhanced drawl before taking a closer look at her. "Wait, I know you."

"Yes," Katniss said menacingly, "you do. So back off right now."

Prim blushed and smiled, clearly pleased as she took a small sip of her beer. Katniss was relieved to see that Prim wasn't drinking much, seemed to be casually drinking to join the crowd but not drinking to excess by any means.

The night wore on as the group grew louder and happier. Peeta was slumped against Katniss with his arm draped around her shoulders, gleefully slurring his words and kissing her every chance he got.

Katniss, not nearly as drunk as Peeta, smiled to see him letting go. It happened so rarely. She wished she could go home with him, but she couldn't even imagine doing so with Prim in town. And anyway, Finnick and Thresh had begun talking about crashing at Peeta's place, so she knew it wasn't really a big deal anyway.

As the night drew to a close, they settled the tab and made their way to the parking lot. Finnick practically fell into Thresh's car and Prim followed Jo to hers. Katniss and Peeta stood together on the sidewalk in front of the bar.

She reached up to brush her fingers through the hair on his forehead. "Happy birthday," she said quietly. She'd had more to drink than usual, and her head felt heavy as he crushed her to him.

"Mmff," he said into her hair. "Come home with me."

"I can't, Peeta," she said, her voice plaintive. "Prim."

"She won't care. Please?"

It was killing her to say no. She regretted again the way the plans had fallen into place, but she saw Prim so infrequently, and she just couldn't imagine sending her home with Jo alone.

"Peeta," she said, her tone a soft warning. "I can't."

He groaned into her neck. "I know, I know. I just wish."

"I'll call you tomorrow, OK?"

"OK." He reached for her lips, swallowing them in a sloppy, drunken kiss.

He still wasn't letting her go. She giggled as she pulled away from him.

* * *

Fall had set in at Ridgecrest, and when Katniss went up the following weekend, she was chagrined to see that a recent storm combined with the leaves falling had made ample work for her. She arrived at camp on Saturday morning with two full days of work ahead of her.

When she finished up what she needed to get accomplished on Saturday, she went for a quick hike to survey some trails as well as stretch out her muscles.

It was dark by the time got back. Pulling out her books, she stared at them a moment. She was exhausted – the good kind of exhausted. Her body was weary instead of her mind. Unable to keep her eyes open, she closed the book in her lap and went to bed. Tomorrow would be another long day, and she'd have to stay up late Sunday night to finish her work. At this point, she figured, it'd be best to get at least one good night of sleep.

She fell asleep listening to the wind rustling the dry leaves and a nearby owl calling in the night. She couldn't remember the last time she was this relaxed.

* * *

Driving home on Sunday evening, Katniss tried to steel herself for the long night ahead of her. She went over her notes in her mind, trying to think through what she would do when she got back home. She had a large group project due Monday afternoon that counted as her midterm. After her morning class, she'd meet with her group, they'd collate their materials, and then finalize everything before submitting the project just after lunch.

She had a lot to do to get ready for that group meeting.

She couldn't help but feel a mixture of disappointment and then – immediately after – guilt when she pulled up to her house and saw Peeta's Suburban parked on the curb. She wracked her brain for a moment. Had they talked about seeing each other tonight? They hadn't, but this was the usual schedule for her weekends away at camp – he met her here when she got home.

She hadn't really been thinking about it. If she had, she would have let him know how busy she was about to be. In addition to this project, she had two tests this week and a take-home. She really needed to crawl under a rock to get it all done. But it was too late now. He was here, and she was going to have to tell him she had to work tonight.

He must have heard her car because he was waiting out on the porch when she walked up the steps.

"Hey," he said as she approached. His face was happy and relaxed. She could feel herself frown in response.

"Hi," she said.

He hugged her as she stood carrying her backpack and duffle bag, unable to hug him back. "Here," he said. "Let me take that."

He took her bag and she followed him into the house. Once in her room, he tackled her, pulling her down on the bed and kissing her face, her neck, squeezing her to him.

For a moment her mind clicked off, and she allowed herself just feel him, feel the ease and security that he brought to her every single time.

But she couldn't turn off her thoughts completely. "Uhhhhh" she moaned, shrugging him off so she could sit up.

"What is it?" he asked. His voice and face reflected his concern, and it stabbed at her.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I have so much work to do tonight."

He sat up next to her and ran his hand down her arm. "But it's already late," he said. "Can't you do it in the morning? Or tomorrow?"

"No." She said and stood up. "I have early class, and then I have to meet with my Enviro group, and I am not ready. I have to have my part of the sustainability plan finished, and it's not. I can't be the one that holds up the rest of the group."

His face fell as she spoke, and she had to look away from him.

After waiting a moment, Peeta finally said, "Well, should I go?" His voice was incredulous.

"I'm sorry. Of course you can stay, but I'm going to be up really late."

Peeta shrugged. "It's fine. I just wish you had let me know. I wouldn't have driven all the way over here."

Katniss bristled. "You knew this week is midterms for me."

"I didn't know that meant you'd need to pull an all-nighter tonight. I guess I just thought you'd have done it last night."

"I was tired. I fell asleep." She sighed. "I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking ahead I guess."

He stood up and hugged her. "It's fine. I just feel like I've barely seen you. With my midterms last week, and you spending the weekend at camp, we haven't had any real time together since before my birthday."

Katniss stiffened. "I don't know how else I can apologize for that."

"No! No, I'm not asking for an apology. It's fine! It's just that it's been more than two weeks since we could spend any real time together."

She sighed. "I know." She looked at him finally and felt herself caving in. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed with him. She took a deep breath and pushed it out forcefully. She couldn't. She had to do her work.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I can try to come over tomorrow afternoon as soon as I get this project turned in. And my last midterm is Saturday morning. We can block off next weekend entirely. OK?" She reached up to kiss him and then pulled back.

His face was set, serious. "OK." He sighed. "I hate having to plan to see you."

* * *

As it turned out, Katniss stayed at her own place all week. It was the only way she could concentrate and get everything done.

By Saturday afternoon, she couldn't sit still as she waited for him to arrive. She'd cleaned her bathroom, her room, the kitchen. She organized the clothes in her closet. She went through her books and pulled out a few to share with Peeta. The holidays were approaching, and they'd talked about reading a book together.

She baked some chicken and made a big salad so she wouldn't have to do it after he got there.

She took a shower and spent an extra long time shaving her legs.

She dressed and then proceeded to wander the house waiting for him. Walking out to the porch, she waved to the boys across the street. But she didn't feel like talking, so she returned inside and sat at the window.

She had never been a patient person.

Finally his car pulled up, and she was out the door and running down the porch steps to meet him at the street.

When he got out of his car, she launched herself at him, wrapping her legs around his waist and burying her head in his neck.

"Katniss?" His voice was full of laughter. She felt his hands securely at her waist as she leaned back so she could kiss him fully.

"Woo! Get some, Katniss," came the catcall from the boys across the street.

She pulled back, smiling and blushing, and slowly slid her legs back down to the ground. "I thought you'd never get here," she said sheepishly.

"Should we go in, or do you wanna go at it right here?" he asked with a grin. "'Cause I'm game for whatever."

She waited as he grabbed his bag from the car – holding it up proudly to her. "The shack bag gets its maiden voyage," he said, grinning. Katniss pulled him towards the house.

She led him inside and into her room. Kicking the door shut behind them, he yanked on her arm to pull her to him. His hands found her face as he barreled towards her bed. Stopping at the last moment and pulling her up against him, he pivoted to fall on the bed himself, pulling her down on top of him.

"That was smooth," she murmured into his lips.

With his heel, he kicked back against the mattress, pushing them to the middle of the bed and positioning her squarely on him. Straddling him, she leaned down over him, kissing him again.

Their clothes were gone before she really knew what had happened. Katniss reached into the basket under her bed to pull out a condom, sliding it on him before she plunged down on top of him.

They groaned simultaneously.

"Fuck, Katniss," he panted, lifting to thrust up into her. He grabbed her hips as she began to move. She raised herself again before lowering back down as slowly as she could. His hands ran up her sides until he cupped her breasts, running his thumbs over her nipples.

"Oh," she gasped. She increased her speed slightly, relishing the impact of their hips as it grazed her clit with each hit.

When his hands fell to her hips to urge her on, pushing her to move faster, she took his hands in her own and pressed them to the bed, leaning her weight on him. Her hips continued the slow rhythm she'd set, thrusting in an agonizing pace that left them both needing more.

He reached up and sucked a nipple into his mouth, causing her to arch her back. She thrust harder as he held her nipple gently in his teeth and bathed it with his tongue. Her entire body shuddered and she moaned out his name.

He released her breast when she began to move faster. She was breathless. It was too fast. She wanted to slow down again. She could tell he was getting close, but so was she, and she couldn't help herself as she pushed down on him again and again.

He came with a great cry, and when she felt him pulsing inside her, her own orgasm shot through her. She froze for a split second and then thrust on him once more before collapsing on top of him, panting.

He groaned, hugging her to him. "You're killing me." He was out of breath and his voice was gasping.

Katniss could feel his face pressed into the hair on her neck as his breathing slowed to a normal pace. His arm encircled her and his hand ran down her back. She shivered.

He was still inside her, and she lay motionless on top of him to maintain the connection for a few extra moments.

Finally, she rolled over and off of him. He lay on his back for a moment before getting up, pulling on his jeans, and walking out of the room to the bathroom.

Katniss curled up on her side and dozed. She was vaguely aware of the phone ringing, but she ignored it. She could hear the answering machine click on in the living room.

Suddenly Peeta was standing over her with the cordless phone in his hand. His face was worried.

"Katniss? Wake up. I think you need to call your mom."

"What?" she asked. She was still groggy.

"Your mom left a message to call her, and she sounds upset."

Katniss sat up on the bed and reached to the floor to grab her shirt and pull it on. She dialed her mother quickly. She could feel tension creeping up her spine. Her mother never called her.

The phone rang once before she heard her mother say hello. Her voice sounded unusual. Thick. As if her throat was closed up.

"Mom? Is something wrong?"

"Katniss," her mother breathed. "You've gotta come home." Her voice broke on the final word.

"What is it? What's happened?"

"It's Prim, honey. It's Prim."

* * *

**A/N **We're at the half-way mark of this story! Thanks to all of you who have reviewed or left kudos or contacted me through tumblr. I'm PenelopeWeaving over there if you want to find me. I usually post a preview on Sundays. You can search "Six Sentence Sunday" on my blog to find it there.

BohemianRider is the loveliest of human beings, and she has helped me so much! You can give her love over on tumblr, too.


	6. Prim

**Chapter 6 – Prim**

**November 1992**

Peeta watched Katniss as her face froze.

"What's wrong with Prim?" she said, her voice strangely controlled. Peeta sat down and put his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest. She'd begun shaking her head.

"No," she said. "No, it's not possible. She promised." On the last word, her voice broke, and she took a long, shuddering breath.

"I'm coming. I'm coming right now." She pushed the button on the phone to disconnect and sat there.

"Katniss, what happened?"

"Rory crashed his motorcycle. She's in a coma."

* * *

Prim had promised Katniss she wouldn't get on Rory's motorcycle, and no one really knew what had changed her mind – or even if it was her first time riding with him.

But when his tire hit some loose gravel on a mountain road, the bike skidded into a tree.

Rory was killed immediately. Prim was wearing his helmet. She lay in a coma hooked up to machines, but the helmet had been too big for her and had come off on impact, causing severe brain injury. Mrs. Everdeen waited for Katniss to arrive back in Ellijay, but soon after they took her off life support. Within five hours, she stopped breathing.

To say that Katniss was devastated would have been stating the obvious and speaking falsely at once. She had entered her own coma-like state for the first few days. At first, she didn't leave her bed, and Peeta sat with her, sometimes talking, sometimes not. He fed her liquids and tried to keep her hydrated.

Gale was there by Monday, home on special leave. He walked over that afternoon to see the Everdeens. Peeta had just coaxed Katniss out of her room, and they were sitting together on the couch when Gale let himself in.

The moment Katniss saw him, she stiffened. Gale shut the door behind him and stopped.

Katniss sprung from the couch. "You!" she hissed.

Peeta was dumbfounded to see her react so strongly, so loudly, after spending almost two days in silence.

"This is YOUR fault!" she screeched.

"Katniss, don't," Gale said, coming forward and taking her in his arms. But she fought him off, pummeling his chest with her fists. Peeta stood and pulled her body against his chest, trapping her arms by her side.

"How could you? He's only seventeen! He's not old enough to ride that thing!" she screached. "You put a weapon in his hands, and it killed my sister!"

She wrenched herself away from Peeta and darted from the room. A moment later, they heard her room door slam.

Gale's face reflected the force of her words, and Peeta grieved for the man he barely knew.

"Sit down," he said.

Gale collapsed on the couch and rested his head back on the cushion. He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger before shaking his head. "I don't know what to do," he said mournfully.

"There's nothing," Peeta said. "We're just going to have to be patient with her. It's too fresh for her to really be sane about this now."

Gale nodded. "I just…" his breath hitched as he caught a sob, kept it from escaping his lungs. There was a brief pause before he controlled himself. "Rory and I worked on that bike the whole time I was home last summer. And he was a good driver." He swallowed. "He promised he'd wait a year before allowing anyone on the back of it."

Peeta sat quietly. He knew there was nothing he could say.

Gale sat up and leaned his forearms on his knees, shaking his head. "I don't know what to do."

Reaching out his arm, Peeta clapped Gale on the back, his hand squeezing the man's shoulder as he stood up. He crossed the room to the kitchen, rifled through the refrigerator, and returned to the couch with two beers.

"Here," he said, nudging Gale with the cold bottle.

"Thanks."

The two sat side-by-side on the couch saying nothing but nursing their beer as the afternoon drifted onwards. Katniss did not reemerge from her room.

* * *

They held Rory's funeral the next day. Mrs. Everdeen tried to convince Katniss to go, but she didn't rouse herself for it.

She got out of bed for Prim's funeral on Wednesday, giving the barest hints of recognition at the visitation as members of the community came to pay their respects. For someone who generally knew what to do in any given situation, Peeta was at a loss. At first he stood with Katniss, but when the receiving line formed, he retreated to a chair in the corner. He knew no one, had met her mother only three days before, and he didn't think it was right to stand with the family. Katniss wasn't introducing him – she wasn't really saying anything – and so he found a chair where he could watch Katniss to make sure she was okay and bring her anything she or her mother needed.

A welcome relief was seeing Sae again. She had greeted Peeta warmly, hugging him and whispering in his ear, "I am thankful you are here for her."

"I'm trying to be," he said truthfully.

She pulled back and gave a short nod. "Yes. This won't be easy for either of you. Just hang on to her."

Peeta recognized the truth in her words and nodded back at her, their eyes connecting in a moment of understanding.

Katniss stood mutely through the service. Her hand was limp in Peeta's, but he held on to hers tightly anyway, squeezing it at times. As the family exited the church, he caught sight of Haymitch and Johanna in the back. He lifted his hand in recognition, but then they were out of the church and in cars heading to the gravesite.

After the burial, Katniss stood with her mother again to greet guests, so Peeta made his way over to a corner of the cemetery where Jo and Haymitch stood together talking.

"Thanks for coming, y'all," Peeta said as he approached. "It's good to recognize a face."

"How's the girl?" Haymitch asked.

"Not good," Peeta admitted. "This is practically the first time she's gotten out of bed."

"Mmm hmm," the older man murmured, nodding.

"Does she have a plan for when she'll return to Atlanta?" Jo asked.

"Honestly, Jo, I don't think she's said more than about five words before today. I don't know what she's thinking about all that. I've just been trying to be there for her, but we're going to have to figure things out soon."

"I contacted her professors like you asked, and also called her boss at Fernbank. If she has to take an extended leave from classes, that will be an official process, but I think her professors will work with her to try to save the semester."

"Haymitch," Peeta asked, "if she withdraws from classes, what will that mean for her scholarship?"

"I'm not really sure," Haymitch said. "I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. How much longer will you stay up here?"

"I was able to get the week off, but I'll have to go back on Sunday." Peeta grimaced. "I'm going to do my best to bring her with me, even if she's not ready to go back to class and work just yet. But her house, her mom's place is, well, it's not the best place for her right now. So many memories, and she and her mom are barely speaking to each other. I have to think that being up here is going to make things harder." He sighed and rolled his shoulders, stretching out the muscles in his neck. "Y'all want to come say hello?"

* * *

After the funeral, Katniss returned to her room. No amount of coaxing could bring her out, so Peeta had spent most of his time in there with her.

By Friday morning, Gale had to return to Arizona. He came by the house again before he left, but Katniss wouldn't speak to him. He stood in the doorway of her room, but she rolled over towards the wall, refusing to acknowledge him.

Peeta walked Gale to the door, and they stood there for a moment, neither willing to concede what had just happened. Finally Gale offered Peeta his hand and said, "I'm glad you're here. I don't know how I would leave if you weren't."

Peeta shook Gale's hand and grimaced. "I don't know what I can do. I feel really useless right now."

"Just stay with her," he said. "Take her back to Atlanta with you."

When Peeta shut the door, he turned around to find Mrs. Everdeen in the kitchen doorway looking at him.

After a moment she asked, "What is your plan, Peeta?"

He walked into the room so he could face her. "Well, I'll have to go back on Sunday," he said. "I work Monday morning and will have to go back to classes that afternoon." He swallowed before continuing. "I'd really like to take Katniss with me."

Mari Everdeen stared at him, unblinking.

"I know Katniss isn't ready to go back to class or work yet," he said. "But I think it might be better for her to get back home so she can begin to get back to her routine."

Mari turned as Peeta spoke and retreated into the kitchen. He followed her and watched as she took a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water. She drank several gulps before putting the glass down on the counter and turning back to him.

"The thing is, Peeta," she said, "_this_ is her home. She's been in Atlanta, what, two? Three months? That's not her home. This house is her home. It's where Prim was, and it's where she'll always feel closest to her sister. Closest to me." She drummed her fingernails on the counter. "I can't imagine her being ready to leave yet, honestly. Can you?"

Peeta knew his face was betraying his emotion. He could not believe what he was hearing, but he had no way to reply without directly contradicting her. All he knew was that the house was full of memories for Katniss – mostly bad ones – and he felt strongly that the key to Katniss' recovery was getting out of this house.

He tried to smile. "Of course I understand that," he said. "I just worry that the house is too full of memories."

"She can't leave her memories behind, Peeta."

"No. No, she can't." He knew he was beaten for now. Smiling at Mrs. Everdeen and shrugging, he turned away and returned to Katniss in her room. There, he wrapped himself behind her, hugging her to his chest and running his fingers through her hair. He felt her nestle into him and sigh.

* * *

On Friday afternoon, Peeta was up and wandering the house again. He was getting antsy staying here, and he needed to talk to Katniss. But she had been sleeping almost the entire day. Mrs. Everdeen had left again with no mention of where she was going or for how long. It chafed at him, her implication that Katniss would be better off in Ellijay, when he knew she was wrong.

The phone rang. Peeta was too uncomfortable in the house to answer it, but he stood in the kitchen next to the answering machine, waiting for it to click on. When it did, Prim's voice filled the room: "No one's here to answer your call, so leave a message, okay?" Peeta winced as he heard her light, high giggle break through the speakers just before the beep sounded. There was a momentary silence before he heard Madge's voice tentatively begin speaking.

"Hi, this is Madge Undersee, Katniss' friend. I was calling to..."

Peeta picked up the extension as quickly as he could. "Madge! Hey!" He took a breath and controlled his voice. "Hey, it's Peeta."

"Peeta! Oh my god, I'm so glad to talk to you. How are you? How is Katniss? I'm just so upset and I wish I could be there."

"I wish you were here, too." He leaned up against the wall, resting his forehead on the peeling wallpaper. "It's not good, Madge. Katniss is distraught. I mean, of course she is, but I can't seem to do anything to help her."

"I'm sure just you being there is all she needs."

"I don't know. Most of the time, I'm not sure she's even aware that I'm here. She doesn't leave her bed. She doesn't talk. She's not eating. Most of the time, she just sleeps, and even when she's not sleeping, she's just lying there looking at the wall."

"Oh Peeta."

"And she was awful to Gale."

"Yeah, I heard. I talked to him a little while ago."

"I felt so bad, Madge. She's hurting so much, and she just took it all out on him." He shook his head. "I can't imagine what he's going through right now."

"He's trying to handle it. You know how he is. He's hurting, but he's trying to hold the family together."

"He's such a good guy, Madge. It must have been hard for you not to have been able to come."

"I've changed my flight arrangements so I can see him for Thanksgiving instead of coming home."

"That's good." They were silent a moment. Peeta slumped down into a kitchen chair and leaned his arms on the table. "I honestly don't know what to do. I really want to bring her back to Atlanta with me, but her mom wants her to stay here. I just can't think that's a good thing."

"What does Katniss say?"

"I haven't talked to her about it yet. I need to. I thought in a little while I'd wake her and try to get her to eat something. And maybe then."

"She going to try to avoid it."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Peeta, do your best, okay? I think you're right about getting her back to Atlanta. But just be patient with her."

"I am. I'm trying."

"She's really lucky to have you with her, and I'm sure she knows that. Even if she's not able to tell you right now."

"Thanks, Madge. I guess I'll see you at Christmas, right?"

"Yes. And we'll all be in better places by then."

"I hope so."

After hanging up, Peeta disconnected the answering machine from the phone.

* * *

Peeta rummaged through the pantry and found a can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. With nothing better to offer, he heated some for her and took it with him to her room.

She was huddled on her bed facing the wall as she had been when he'd last left the room. Setting the soup down on the night stand, he moved to the window and opened the blinds half way so that some daylight filtered into the room. Then he went to sit next to her. He squeezed the skin between her shoulder blades, massaging her neck for a few moments. He heard her sigh deeply.

"Roll over," he murmured. "On your stomach."

After a moment she complied, and he adjusted on the bed so he could rub her back, his thumbs gently digging into the skin along her spine. He made his way down to her lower back before working his way back up. Then he knelt over her and briefly kissed her cheek.

"I've brought you some soup," he said. "Are you hungry?"

In answer, she rolled back on her side, away from him.

"I know you may not feel hungry, Katniss, but would you try to eat something? Please? Just a few bites." He ran his hand down her side. "You've barely eaten anything all week."

When she turned on her back to face him, he was caught by the sunken look in her eyes, the sallow shade her skin had taken. His pulse raced, and he leaned down to slip an arm around her to pull her into a sitting position.

He adjusted the pillows behind her so she could lean back. "There," he said. He tucked the blanket around her legs before handing her the soup bowl. She cradled it in her hands. He picked up the water glass from the night and and got up. "I'll refill this," he said.

When he returned to the room, she still held the bowl in both hands. "Please, Katniss," he said. "For me?"

She shifted the bowl to one hand so she could take the spoon with her other. After a few bites, she passed the bowl back to him and slumped back onto the bed. But as she curled up, she faced him, her eyes turned upward towards him. He set the bowl down and ran his hand down her shoulder.

"Thanks," she said quietly.

"I'm worried about you, Katniss," he murmured. "And the thing is, I'm going to have to go back home soon. On Sunday." She nodded. "I really want you to come with me," he continued. "I know this is going to be hard – for a long time – and I want to help you through it. I want to be there for you."

She sighed and nodded again. "I don't know what to do," she said.

"I don't want to leave you here. I'm actually afraid of leaving you here." He paused. He knew he needed to tread lightly. "There are too many memories here."

She curled up on herself at these words. He sat waiting for a response, but when none came he said, "Just think about it?"

* * *

Peeta had been putting off calling his parents to touch base. He took the cordless phone from the kitchen and sat on the front stoop as he dialed. He felt bad for missing a full week of work, and he was nervous to make the call. When he heard the answering machine click on after the third ring, he hung up, relieved.

As he walked back into the house, he could hear quiet talking. At the door of Katniss' room, he found Mrs. Everdeen sitting on the bed holding Katniss' hand.

"I'm just not ready for you to leave," she was saying. "And I don't think you're ready, either." She used her free hand to smooth the wrinkles on her daughter's forehead. "Please don't leave us here. Let me take care of you."

Peeta held his breath to hear her response, but Katniss didn't say anything.

"We both know last time, I didn't do what I needed to. You had to step in and take care of me, the house, your sister." Mrs. Everdeen's voice cracked, and Peeta watched a tear escape her eye. Katniss reached up to wipe it away.

"Mom, no," she whispered.

"You had to handle it all," her mother continued, "and that wasn't fair. I don't want that to happen again. Let me take care of you this time like I should have last time."

Tears ran down Katniss' face, and Peeta could tell she was struggling to hold it together. He wished she would just let it out instead of holding all of it in, but instead she took a few deep breaths, and tried to swallow the emotion that was about to spill over.

"Yes, baby, that's right," her mother murmured. "You're strong. You've always been so strong."

Peeta retreated to the living room.

* * *

Mrs. Everdeen was gone again. Peeta wasn't sure where she kept going. She had taken the week off of work, but she kept disappearing for several hours at a time. He was pretty sure she hadn't come home last night at all.

On Sunday morning, Peeta coaxed Katniss out of bed for pancakes. He was worried. They had not talked again, but he was afraid he'd be returning to Atlanta alone later that afternoon.

Katniss picked at them, barely eating, but Peeta was just glad she had gotten up. After her plate had grown cold, she pushed it back and said, "I think I'll take a shower."

This was good news, and Peeta felt a glimmer of hope as he watched her disappear into the bathroom.

After doing the dishes, he went in her bedroom and gathered up their dirty clothes. It would be easier to wash them here since neither of them had a washer and dryer. He did his best to straighten the house, picking up the detritus of the week.

When Katniss returned from the shower, Peeta found her wrapped in a towel and sitting on her bed. He sat down next to her and pulled her into his arms.

"I'm glad to see you moving around today," he said. "I started some laundry – so we don't have to do it once we get back home."

He felt her stiffen in his arms. "Peeta," she said, pulling back from him, "I can't leave. Not yet." Peeta sat silently, trying not to succumb to the wave of dread that was washing over him. "My mother needs me here. A little longer. She won't admit it, but I know she does. I can't just abandon her."

Peeta swallowed. "Katniss, I think your mother is doing okay. I'm more worried about you."

"You don't know her Peeta! You don't understand!"

"You're right. I don't know her." He took a long breath. "But I've been the one around this house all week. I've seen her. She's functioning. You're not."

He knew immediately by the look on her face that he'd said too much. He softened his voice. "Please, Katniss." Come home with me. Let me take care of you."

"I don't need anyone to take care of me," she said bitterly. "I never have."

In that moment, Peeta knew he'd lost. He grabbed for her hand, trying to hold on to her, but he felt instantly exhausted, the weight of the week settling over him and sinking into his shoulders.

* * *

The phone rang twice before Peeta heard his father answer. "Mellark residence."

Peeta grimaced. He would never understand why his father answered his own phone that way.

"Dad, hey." There was a moment of silence and Peeta felt compelled to add, "This is Peeta."

"Hi Son," his dad said quietly. "Where are you?"

"I'm still in Ellijay, Dad, but I'm coming home later today."

"Oh, okay," his father's voice was audibly relieved. "That's good. And you'll be in to work tomorrow as usual?"

"Yeah, Dad, I'll be in."

"Oh, that's good," his father repeated again. "Your mother will be, ah, she'll be glad to hear that. You've missed so many hours. It's been, uh, difficult."

"I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I just couldn't leave. It's going to be hard enough leaving this afternoon as it is."

"Oh, sure. I understand. How is Katniss?"

"She's going to stay here for a little while longer I think."

"Yes, well, that's probably best, don't you think?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess." Peeta swallowed. "Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'll be in tomorrow as usual."

"Thanks. And don't worry. I understand. It's just your mom…"

"Yeah Dad. I know."

* * *

Peeta scrubbed his eyes with the heels of both hands. It had been a long week with very little sleep, and he was not looking forward to the drive back to Atlanta. The stress of the week had caught up with him. He'd have to hit up the gas station for coffee if he was going to make it.

Katniss was back in her bed. Whatever progress she had tried to make this morning had been derailed by their conversation, and the guilt Peeta felt was overwhelming.

He curled up behind her in bed, taking her hands in one of his.

"Hey," he said quietly.

She moved her head back slightly, coming into contact with him.

"Katniss, but I have to go." Even saying the words churned up so much distress in him that he tightened his arms around her, willing her to understand him and change her mind.

She lay still in his arms for a few minutes before turning to face him and burying her head under his neck. Her arm wrapped around him, and the gesture comforted him. He hated leaving, hated not knowing when he would even see her again.

"I can try to come back up here next weekend. That is, if you think you'll still be here?"

He heard her sigh and felt her warm breath fan on his neck. "I don't know," she said.

He pulled back and ran his hand over her cheek. "Think about it, okay? I'll call you tomorrow, but just, promise me you'll think about coming back to Atlanta soon?"

She nodded. He softly lowered his lips to hers, feeling the slightest pressure from her in response.

* * *

**A/N **Woefully, this chapter is un-beta'd since the lovely Bohemian is gone on vacation. Thanks to SunfishDunes for pre-reading!

Whew. This was a hard chapter to write, and on my end it feels pretty disjointed. I hope it doesn't flow too badly on your end.

Thanks so much to those of you who have reviewed. I really appreciate the feedback! Penelope


	7. Letters

**Chapter 7 – Letters**

_December, 1992_

_Monday, December 7_

_Dear Madge,_

_It's been a long time since I've written. Sorry about that, but I know you understand._

_I hope your trip to Arizona went well and that you had good time with Gale. How is he doing? I've been spending most of my time off in Ellijay, and I've seen the Hawthornes a few times. Posy is distraught. She's started sleeping with her mother because she's having nightmares. She's just afraid of everything. Vic's not saying much, mostly just going to school and staying in his room. Mrs. Hawthorne is... well, surviving. She's going through the motions and taking care of Vic and Posy, but she looks like she's aged about 10 years in the month since the accident._

_I know they'll be glad to see Gale again at Christmas._

_Madge, I don't know what to think. Katniss is devastated, of course. She's taken a leave of absence at school and work and is staying in Ellijay for now. I just wish I could be there with her, but we only have a week until finals, and I missed a lot during the week of the funerals. I really wish she'd just come back to Atlanta. Most of the time when I call her, no one answers, and I'm feeling so cut off. I don't know what to do. I'm going to drive up there again after work on Saturday and see how she's doing, but I just wish there was something I could do. If only she'd come back to Atlanta, at least I could see her and help her through this. But as it is now, I just don't know what to do.  
I'm rambling._

_Thanks for listening, Madge. You've been such a good friend to both of us, and I guess I just needed to talk to someone who understands her. Good luck with finals. Maybe we can all see each other during the Christmas holidays. I'd like that._

_Love,  
Peeta_

* * *

When Peeta pulled up in front of Katniss' house that Saturday after work, her mother's car was gone, and the house was dark. As far as he knew, Katniss had hardly left the house in weeks, so he wondered where she might be at 6:30 on a Saturday night. Getting out of his car, he stretched before making his way into the empty carport to knock on the door. The house remained quiet, so he tried the door. Locked. He peered in the window, trying to discern any light in the house, but all he could see was darkness.

The night was mild for December, and he didn't feel like getting back in his car. So he sat down on the stoop to wait.

He couldn't help but think back to the day he'd waited in this very spot for her when he was twelve. That afternoon, as the hours had passed, he'd begun to feel anxious because he knew he'd be late getting home. But she had eventually showed up, and the memory of that day stood clear in his mind. Her confusion and distress. His unexpected self assurance. The way she'd trembled in his arms as he tried to comfort her.

Tonight as the hours ticked by, he was feeling anxious again. Where was she? She could be anywhere, but as time passed, he felt more and more apprehensive.

Finally, he gave up. He found a scrap of paper in his car and left her a note. With a sigh of frustration, he began the two hour trip back to Atlanta.

* * *

Peeta's mood spiraled over the next few days. He'd left a message for Johanna on Sunday to see if she knew anything. But he hadn't heard back from her, and he still hadn't talked to Katniss. He couldn't understand what was going on. Maybe something had happened to her, but surely someone would have told him?

He was walking around in a fog, scarcely paying attention to classes, going through the motions at work.

He couldn't stop himself from calling Johanna again on Monday after repeated phone calls to Ellijay went unanswered, but when the machine clicked on again, he hung up.

When Johanna walked into the bakery Tuesday afternoon, Peeta wanted to hug her. He was so relieved to see her and hear some news of Katniss. However, looking at her closely, it was easy to decipher the look on her face. She was frowning slightly, and she looked nervous.

He came out from behind the counter immediately.

"Jo," he said, trying to control the panic rising in his voice. "Tell me what's happened. I haven't talked to her in over a week. She hasn't answered the phone and she wasn't in Ellijay Saturday night."

"You went to Ellijay?"

"Yeah, I mean, I've been worried about her. I just felt like I needed to see her."

Jo was quiet a moment.

"Jo," he said. "Please, tell me what's going on."

"Peeta, Katniss is back. She got back last week."

Peeta stared at her, trying to comprehend what she was saying to him. He understood the words, but they didn't make sense.

"What?"

"She got back last week," she repeated. "She's been going to classes and work and everything."

Peeta sank down into the chair at the front of the store and put his hands to the sides of his head. He took a deep breath. "No," he said, shaking his head. "No, that can't be right."

Jo sat down across the table from him but said nothing.

"Why didn't she let me know? Why didn't she call?" He was talking to the floor, his hands raking through his hair as he tried to come to terms with this news.  
Finally he looked up. "How is she?" he asked.

"I can't even describe it, Peeta. It's like she's not even there."

He nodded. "Does she know you've come to see me?"

"No."

"Okay." He stood up and paced in front of the counter. "Okay. Um, it's Tuesday. She's at Fernbank until six? I think I can catch her." He didn't wait for her to answer. "Okay. I'll go see her. As soon as I finish up here." He stopped pacing and looked at her. "Thanks, Jo. For coming. For letting me know."

"I'm sorry, man."

* * *

Peeta's mind reeled as he maneuvered through traffic a few hours later. He couldn't make sense of what was happening. Why hadn't she let him know she was back in town?

As much as he knew she was hurting, he couldn't ignore the insecurities that had begun to creep in. She'd deliberately avoided him. He could only think the reason was because she didn't want him anymore. Didn't need him. Perhaps he'd been too pushy? Maybe he'd been annoying her all the times he'd driven up to Ellijay to be with her.

Looking back over the weeks, he saw her distance in a new light – not fueled simply by grief but also by apathy.

The longer he sat in traffic, the more convinced he became that she she'd been distancing herself from him for a long time – perhaps even before Prim's death. He thought back on the weeks when they'd hardly seen each other and grimaced. It seemed so obvious now.

When he pulled into the Fernbank parking lot, he spotted her car and parked next to it. He sat for a moment. His heart was drumming too quickly in his chest, and he equally wanted to and was afraid to see her.

When he saw her come out of the building, he got out. Her tunic hung off her body, practically billowing around her black leggings. When his eyes landed on her face, he sucked in his breath. She was gaunt, her cheekbones too prominent in her sallow skin. It looked like her hair hadn't been washed in several days. Held back by a barrette, it fell in thick, greasy clumps around her shoulders.

His hurt, anger, and insecurity receded at the sight of her.

At first she wasn't looking at him as she walked, but as she got closer, she saw him and stopped. Her brow creased and her eyes darkened.

He felt frozen in place, but after a moment when she began walking again, he took a deep breath.

"Katniss," he said. For once in his life, he was at a complete loss of words. What could he say to her? He couldn't question her. What a ridiculous question to ask what was wrong. He knew what was wrong, and there seemed to be nothing he could do to make anything better.

He reached to embrace her, but her body felt stiff, brittle in his arms.

He pulled back and studied her face. She wouldn't look at him. When he reached to cup her cheek, she flinched.

"Please talk to me," he said. "I've been so worried about you. I've been calling, and I went up to Ellijay. I had no idea you were back."

She backed out of his arms, eyes focused on the ground.

Panic arose in Peeta as he tried to figure out what to do. He stared at her unmoving features, and all the insecurity he'd felt earlier began to seep back in. He reached out to run his hand down her arm, trying to get her to look at him, but she resisted.

"Peeta," she finally. "I can't do this anymore."

Sweat beaded at the small of his back, and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest.

"Katniss," he began, but she interrupted him.

"No. I just can't," she said, her eyebrows furrowed as she looked past him towards the street.

Just look at me, Peeta thought, believing that if he could just hold her eyes, he could reach her. But her eyes remained fixed away from his.

"You were right about one thing," she said abruptly, sarcasm heavy in her voice.

"What?" He felt weary.

"My mother. She didn't need me. She was fine. I mean, I guess she was. She was never home." She shrugged. "Makes it easier, really."

"Katniss, let me help you. I know you're upset. Please don't do this alone."

She shook her head, and when she finally looked him, her eyes were as hard as charcoal. "No," she said. "You don't understand. This is me. This is where I am. You can't do this for me. You can't do anything for me."

He felt like he could barely breathe as he sifted through the implication of her words. She didn't need him. Of course not. He knew that already, didn't he?

"You should just go," she said, pushing past him towards her car.

He was shaking his head before he'd even spoke. "No," he said, grasping at her hand, pulling it and her closer to him. "Please talk to me."

"I don't need you, Peeta," she said quietly. "I never did."

The words resounded through him like an echo of every cutting phrase his mother had ever said to him. He wasn't good enough, smart enough, fast enough, thorough enough: he wasn't enough.

Stepping back abruptly, he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, and when he felt his eyes begin to burn, he turned away.

Pulling on his hair with both hands, he took a deep breath. He realized he was nodding. _Okay_, he thought. _Okay_. This was what he'd been afraid of. In the car he'd known somehow this was how it would end. He took another deep breath. _Okay_.

Katniss had opened her car door but had not gotten in. She was watching him, and he suddenly felt more exposed than he ever had in his life.

He straightened up when he realized he had made it to his car. He opened his car door but turned to look at her one last time. How do you say goodbye to the love of your life?

He didn't.

* * *

It was a difficult holiday. Peeta had looked forward to the time off from school knowing that he and Katniss would spend most of it together. Instead, he spent most of it by himself.

The only saving grace was the fact that he had his own place. It would have been much worse if he'd had to dodge his parents every day. As it was, he spent the holiday alone in his apartment, cooking, painting, working extra hours, and trying his best not to think of what might have been.

As much as he loved having his own place, the slanting walls of the tiny attic were closing in on him. The week between Christmas and New Year's Eve was the worst. He avoided calls from Madge – he just couldn't bear to face her yet – and Finnick had invited him to a party in Athens, but he wasn't ready for that scene.

The only person he saw that holiday was Delly. When she showed up at his apartment with a mournful expression, he held his hand out to her to stop her.  
"No," he said firmly. "We're not talking about it." It was clear she'd talked to Jo and found out already. The prospect of talking to Delly or hearing through Jo about Katniss was too painful. Her visit was brief, and he kept the conversation centered on her.

When classes started again in January, he was itching for the diversion. He tried to throw himself back in to his old life – the one where he went to class and worked in the bakery and kept focused on the things that he could control.

* * *

Though it wasn't an especially cold winter that year, it rained a lot. Peeta barely noticed in his myopic state. Returning home late from the library one evening, he found an envelope nestled in with the usual junk mail, and he recognized Madge's handwriting immediately. The envelope contained a single sheet of paper with what seemed to be a hastily written note:

_Peeta, I'll be in Atlanta for 24 hours next week and flying out Thursday night, March 11. Can you take me to the airport? Meet me Thursday night at 7 at the Mellow Mushroom on Briarcliff. I'm leaving CT today and will be traveling, so you can't respond, and you can't back out. No more avoiding me. See you Thursday, Madge._

He sighed. Shit.

* * *

Peeta was late to his meeting with Madge. It wasn't intentional, but he was dreading seeing her. He'd enclosed himself back in his previous life over the last few months, and the prospect of seeing her, and being reminded of all he was actively trying to forget, weighed on him.

When he got there, she was sitting at a booth in the back with a pitcher and two glasses in front of her. Her suitcase and a backpack were stuffed in beside her. As soon as she saw him, she stood up and rushed him, attacking him with a tight hug.

His body tensed in her arms, and she pulled back.

"I'm going to forgive you for this," she said, "but you're in big trouble." She turned and slid into her side of the booth.

"What? What did I do? She's the one..."

"Peeta! I'm not talking about Katniss! I'm talking about ditching your friends just because your girlfriend broke up with you."

He sank into his seat and poured her a glass. As she took a sip, he sighed heavily. "Madge, it's just..." He waved his hand aimlessly at her.

"I know, Peeta, it's been hard. I wanted to help you." She grabbed his hand out of the air and held it between both of hers. "I'm not just friends with Katniss. I thought we were friends, too."

Peeta felt abashed. "I'm sorry," he said bitterly. "I've fucked up everything, apparently."

"What does that mean?"

He barked out a short laugh. "I messed things up with Katniss. Came on too strong, or whatever. And now you."

"Peeta," Madge said. She waited until he looked her in the eye before continuing. "None of this is your fault. You know that, right?"

He looked away and she squeezed his hand, shaking it to get his attention. "Oh Peeta, no. You know how she is. You didn't do anything wrong. She's pushing everyone away. You saw what she did to Gale. You were next. She rarely answers the phone, and she doesn't return my messages."

He grimaced, unsure of what to say in the face of all this. He couldn't shake the thought that she just didn't want _him_, that it was more than just the circumstances.

"You need to talk to her," she asserted.

"Ha, yeah, I don't think so."

"Peeta," her voice was low and serious. "I don't think there's anyone else who can get through to her."

Peeta shook his head. Ultimately, he didn't want to keep talking about it. So he gestured to the pitcher in front of them. "You know I can't drink this with you if I'm going to drive you to the airport."

She refilled her now-empty glass and smirked. "This is for me. I hate flying."

"It's good you're getting out of here now. Sounds like the whole East Coast is going to get hammered this weekend. We might even see some snow down here."

Madge rolled her eyes. "Snow in Atlanta in March? Highly unlikely."

* * *

It was a good thing Madge got out of Atlanta when she did. Despite the many Atlanta officials who discredited the forecasts for snow, the city saw a storm like few had seen before.

The airport officially measured only four inches that weekend, but the northern suburbs measured eight to ten inches, and in Ellijay, they had over a foot.  
When Peeta woke up early Saturday morning, the wind was blowing flurries around. He looked out his front door and couldn't believe that the forecast had been correct. Still, the snow was definitely manageable, so he showered and dressed and went to work as usual.

By 10 AM, he had begun to question his decision. The winds howled and buffeted the glass front of the bakery, and snow had begun accumulating. Listening to the radio they kept in the back office, the dire predictions seemed unbelievable.

He waited another hour before he finally called his parents.

"Y'all okay?" he asked when his mother answered the phone.

"Of course we are fine."

"Okay. I just wanted to check in. It sounds like things are only going to get worse this afternoon, so I was going to close up here and get home before I get stuck." The silence on the other end of the phone told him what his mother thought of this idea. "Mom, we haven't had a single customer all day. All the shops in the plaza across the street are closing, too."

"Peeta, I just can't think that's necessary. And you live so close to the bakery, you'll surely . . ."

At once the line went dead and the power went out in the bakery. Peeta looked at the phone and then shrugged. That made things easy enough. He secured all the doors and windows and then headed out into the storm.

Peeta's half-ton Suburban navigated the winds well enough, but the day was dark and the snow made the roads so slippery that it took almost an hour to get home. He let himself into his apartment to discover the power was out there, too. He stuck his milk and beer outside his front door and collapsed on his couch.

For awhile he lay and listened to the old house creak as hurricane-force winds whipped through the city. He wondered about Katniss – whose house was even older than his – and hoped she and Jo were okay. Perhaps because he'd seen Madge just the other night, he allowed himself for the first time in months to think about her, mull over the situation, the words she'd said to chase him away in December.

He couldn't really buy into what Madge had said. She hadn't been there, hadn't heard Katniss' tone of voice when she'd said she didn't need him. He remembered it clearly, turning each syllable over in his mind, and he felt the sharp pain of it again, like a scab that cracks and bleeds each time it's prodded.

As the storm winds battered the house, Peeta stayed wrapped up in his misery.

* * *

By Sunday, the wind abated some, and Peeta stuck a ruler into the snow outside his door and measured eight inches. His power came back on after forty eight hours, and he dug himself out of the driveway. Classes were cancelled for two more days, but he opened the bakery Tuesday morning and was relieved to get back to his routine.

A month later, another unexpected letter arrived for him. He didn't recognize the handwriting, but the only person he knew in Arizona was Gale. The letter was hand-written on official army stationary, and Peeta could almost hear the man's voice rising from the words on the page.

_April 14, 1993_

_Dear Peeta,_

_Sounds like that storm really crippled the city last month. Hope you made it through without any trouble._

_Madge told me y'all talked, and it sounds like you've given up on Katniss. I'm writing to ask you to change your mind._

_I don't know if she's talked to you much about what happened after her father died. Of course it was a shock, but the hardest part for Katniss was the time afterward, the months when she had to learn to look out for herself and Prim. The Everdeens were close friends of ours back then, and we helped as much as we could, but ever since then, Katniss hasn't really let anything else take her focus except Prim. Sure, her job and school have been important to her, but as for people – Prim was the only one who was a priority._

_Even after things evened out at home and Katniss didn't have to bear all the responsibility, she still didn't let other people in, not really, until she met you. I know you haven't forgotten how hard she fought against that, right?_

_I know right now that Katniss is feeling guilt, like she is somehow to blame for Prim's death because she was away in Atlanta. So she lashed out at me and at you. But even though she did, I don't believe that she really wanted you out of her life. Or me. This is just Katniss, and she needs to learn more constructive ways to deal with her emotions, but that's who she is._

_I know it will be hard, but I hope you can swallow your pride and reach out to her one more time, call her or whatever. She's going through all of this alone right now, and you're the one she needs most. You can help her more than any of the rest of us can._

_Think about it,_

_Gale_

Peeta put the letter down and buried his head in his hands. He had no idea what to think.


	8. Take Me Back to the Start

**Chapter 8 – Take Me Back to the Start**

**_May, 1993_**

The last word Katniss would ever have used to describe herself was lonely.

Lonely? Of course not. She was the one who'd spent two years living in a cabin in the woods by herself. She liked to be alone. Preferred it, really. She didn't get lonely.

She only knew that she was hurting, and so she desperately tried to stanch the wound in whatever way she could.

Which is why she was standing in her kitchen right now with a stranger in front of her and boiling coffee burning her tongue.

She needed him to leave. She had to get out of here, get out of Atlanta. She needed to hike. She needed to feel the rhythm of her body in order to let her mind process. Let her mind wander and still.

So that's what she would do. She would head to camp and hike, and then she would go see Prim. Try to explain to her what she'd done. Try to figure out what to do about it.

But first, she had to take care of this person in her kitchen.

"I'm crazy busy for the next few weeks," she said to him. She hoped her tone sounded more apologetic than she felt. She really just wanted him out. "But I'll get your number from Jo and call you when things settle down."

He got the message and was out the door soon enough. Katniss busied herself by stripping her sheets off the bed – she could hardly bring herself to touch the linens he'd slept on – and stuffing them down in her laundry basket.

She hadn't been lying, of course, when she'd told Chris that she was going to see her sister. Tomorrow was the six-month anniversary of Prim's death, and she needed to see her.

Katniss toasted two waffles, spread peanut butter and honey between them, and wrapped the sandwich up in foil. She filled her travel mug with coffee, grabbed several apples, and packed the car for the two-hour trip.

These days, the only reason she headed north was to go to camp. Katniss had returned to Ellijay only a few times since she had argued with her mother back in December – the argument that had prompted her unexpected return to Atlanta. She'd awakened one morning to find an unknown man sitting at their kitchen table. As Katniss stood looking at him in shock, her mother had breezed in and quickly introduced her to Dirk. She'd squeaked out a hello before retreating to her bedroom.

The blowout had come a few hours later when Dirk finally left. Katniss couldn't believe her mother invited him over without even warning her. Mari Everdeen, however, maintained that it was her house, and she could do as she wanted.

It shouldn't have surprised Katniss, but she was already so fragile. She was still so consumed by grief. When her mother insisted Katniss stay in Ellijay, that she wanted to take care of her daughter, Katniss had allowed herself to believe her mother truly wanted her. But in reality, her mother was rarely home. Katniss found herself reliving the misery of being abandoned by her mother for a second time in her life, but this time she didn't have Prim as a reason to persevere.

It broke her. After her encounter with Dirk and her subsequent argument with her mother, she'd gone to Prim's grave and cried – really cried – for the first time since her sister's death. She leaned back against Prim's headstone and sobbed into her fists, wishing she could trade places with her sister. Wishing she could rewind the last few months, the last few years of life when Prim had spiraled out of her orbit.

She traced her sister's name on the stone and realized she had lost these words as well. She could never say her sister's name again with anything but sorrow. Guilt. Regret.

When she finally pulled herself together, she went back to her mother's, packed her stuff, and left. She would never think of it as home again.

She had to walk to town and then catch a bus back to Atlanta, but with each step, she could feel a hardening in her gut. Looking back on the previous months, all she could see were the things in life she'd neglected, and not only Prim. She recognized now that school had been kicking her ass unnecessarily. She simply needed to refocus and eliminate the distractions.

Without Prim to think about, her only priority now was school. A determination settled over her like a cloak.

That had been five long months ago. She hadn't talked to her mother since.

The sky was clear and sunny, and the drive to Ridgecrest was such a routine that she could drive it by rote. Once Katniss was on the highway, her thoughts wandered to the previous night.

Her semester was almost over, and she felt physical relief at the fact that she had only two exams left to take. Most of her classes required end-of-term papers or projects, and she'd turned in her last one on Friday afternoon. When Jo had insisted they blow off steam before finals week, she'd hesitated. But with the anniversary looming, she just didn't want to sit at home alone. And then Jo's friend had joined them.

And then.

She grimaced at the thought of what she had allowed to happen _again_. She didn't really have a problem with casual sex per se, but it just wasn't working for her. The first two times it had happened, the aftermath had been miserable. She woke up feeling depressed and agitated because the hookup hadn't calmed her anxiety like she expected it to, like sex with Peeta had once done. Instead, she felt worse. After the second time, she'd promised herself not to do it again.

And yet here she was. She could barely remember the details. She'd been relieved – though also grossed out – to find the condom in her bathroom garbage this morning. She honestly didn't remember much after getting back to the house.

* * *

Katniss drove slowly down the Ridgecrest driveway and pulled into the parking lot. Reaching into the back of the car for her bag, she heard Haymitch's voice carrying across the parking lot.

"Mornin', sweetheart."

She straightened up and turned to see him walking towards her. She'd been hoping to escape to her cabin without seeing him.

"Hey, Haymitch," she said.

"Haven't seen you in awhile. You keep coming and going without me even realizing you're here."

She grimaced. She'd deliberately avoided him.

"This isn't your weekend to be here."

"I know," she admitted. "I just wanted a place to crash. Do some hiking."

"What's wrong with Ellijay?"

"What's right with Ellijay," she grumbled.

"Seems to me you're avoiding everyone these days."

She rolled her eyes and said nothing.

"Okay, okay, I'll let you be. Weather should be nice tonight for a fire. Why don't you come up on the porch for coffee when you get back?"

She stared at him, but the look in his eyes was unrelenting. She wasn't getting out of a conversation with him this time. She nodded and started off down the path to her cabin.

* * *

Katniss kept bare essentials in her cabin, so when she put her stuff down, she made a sandwich, stuck an apple and a water bottle in her bag, and headed out the door.

Spring had always been one of her favorite seasons at Ridgecrest. When she got out on the path, she began to realize how much her body had needed to get away from the city. She inhaled the scent of trees and air that didn't taste of exhaust fumes. The last few weekends she'd spent at camp had been busy. Between cleaning up after the storm and getting ready for the opening of camp, there was so much to do. She'd not been able to spare time for herself to do the things she enjoyed up here.

Katniss had made her peace with Atlanta. There were many things she liked about living there. And she didn't think she ever really wanted to live in such a remote town like Ellijay or Blue Ridge again, but the fact that she was surrounded by concrete had taxed her, more than she had realized. The small patch of yard in front of their house wasn't enough "nature" to sustain her. She sometimes got out in the field through her work at Fernbank, but day-to-day, she lived in a world of pavement, and the winter months had been especially trying. It was only as she stretched her legs and let her body sink into the rhythm of her hike that she began to realize the toll the winter had taken.

_Peace comes dropping slow._

There it was. The line that emerged any time she could really devote herself to a hike. Like a mantra, it reminded her that peace takes time. Time. She was impatient by nature, but if nature had taught her anything, it was that time takes care of all things.

She took a deep breath as she continued to walk.

* * *

A few hours later, she returned to her cabin sweaty and refreshed. She would never get used to her cabin as it was now: bare of her stuff. No stereo in the corner. No books on the shelf. She made some Ramen, and afterwards pulled on a fleece before heading out to find Haymitch on the porch.

The walk down took only a minute, and soon she could see the reflection of a fire in the great, slate fireplace on the dining hall porch. As she climbed the steps, she saw Haymitch had pulled up the old rocking chairs to the hearth.

"I'm brewing decaf these days," he said gruffly. "No complaints."

"That's fine," she said.

He pulled the carafe from the fire and poured a mug for her. "Do you want something to enhance it?" he asked.

"Why not?" she said. She was nervous about this conversation, and she figured, if he was fortified by liquid courage, she needed it, too.

He pulled a flask from his pocket and poured a generous shot into her mug before passing it to her. "You know I don't share with just anyone, right?" he said as a smirk defined his mouth.

"And I appreciate it," she replied. "I have a feeling I'm going to need it tonight."

He shrugged inconsequentially. "Nah."

They sat in their chairs, rocking as the crickets began to call. The fire crackled as it consumed the logs. The night turned cooler, and Katniss wrapped her hands around her mug to warm them. Her shins felt hot against the fire, but her back was cold in the approaching night.

His voice pierced the quiet. "So sweetheart, have you even tried to reconcile with boy wonder?"

Her heart stopped and she reached for a breath. A log broke apart in the fireplace in front of her as she scrambled to answer him.

"What are you talking about?"

He snorted. "Right. Don't even try to pretend like I'm ignorant here. I'm putting together the staff for this summer. I talk to a lot of people, and I've heard what's going on."

She continued to rock in her chair, unable to answer his original question.

He expelled a long sigh before speaking again. "Katniss," he said, and she was startled to hear him using her name. "You're making your way through one of the greatest tragedies of your life. Few things will be harder than this." He took a drink from his mug. "You can't do it alone. No one could. You're pushing everyone away, and it's just making it harder on yourself."

She hauled herself up from her chair and leaned over to set her mug down on the hearth.

"I don't know what you want me to say," she began.

Haymitch interrupted her as he stood up.

"I don't want you to say anything." He paused and squeezed her shoulders briefly before pulling back. "Just think about what I said."

* * *

As Katniss walked across the cemetery Sunday morning, she picked up wildflowers, dandelions, mostly, but a few wild violets and a spring of honeysuckle that had attached to some shrubbery in the back. She sat down in front of Prim's headstone and leaned back against it as she began to weave the flower stems into a garland like she used to do for Prim when they were younger. When the garland was complete, she fingered it in her lap.

"I wish I could talk to you, Prim." She glanced around. She had never actually spoken aloud to Prim like this.

"Sometimes I think I was neglecting you. I worry that I wasn't there for you. I didn't pay enough attention to you." She paused. "I really wanted you to come to Atlanta for college. I'd thought about how great it would be to have you here. I wish I'd told you that.

"I don't even know if you and Rory ever had sex!" Her breath hitched as she inhaled deeply. "After we talked about it that time, I wondered, but I wanted to hear about it in person. I kept thinking that I'd get the whole story from you over Thanksgiving.

"It's crazy because sometimes I think you were better equipped to handle things than I am. Did you know how nervous I was that day we talked about sex? I was. I really had no idea what to say. I am so bad at the big sister thing. I never know what to say, but you always made it easy for me."

She leaned her head back against the stone and closed her eyes as tears dripped down her face. "Everything's hard now, Prim. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

"I can't seem to move on. I know I need to, but I don't know what to do. I keep looking in the wrong places. And I miss you, but it feels like more than that. I can't even get out of bed some days. This semester has been so hard. I had planned to take a full load this summer, but I think I'm only going to take two classes now just to give myself some breathing room. Jo thinks I should. I don't know. I think it's a good idea.

"And maybe I can spend more time at camp that way.

"But camp is so hard now, too. It's like the first two years have been erased, and all I can dwell on is Peeta and the last summer there. I can't escape him."

She was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke again, her voice was barely more than a whisper. "I have a feeling you'd be mad at me for the way I've treated him. I can't help it, Prim. I couldn't face him. He was too close."

She took a deep breath and was silent for awhile as she wiped her tears.

Finally, she turned around and traced Prim's name with her fingertips. "I keep asking myself what you would do, what you would have done in this situation.

"I don't think I've done anything right."

After awhile, she stood up and made her way a few rows over to the other new grave in the cemetery. She stared at Rory's name for a few minutes before she reached down and put Prim's flower garland on the grass next to his stone.

* * *

Her drive home felt longer than usual. She had spent the entire weekend with her thoughts swirling around her, and now she was just exhausted. By the time she pulled up to the house, she needed to get out of her car and out of her head.

She planned to study her Industrial Management notes until she fell asleep, and hopefully that would keep her mind at peace.

She got in and showered immediately. When she got out, she found Jo in her room waiting for her.

"Hey," she said, pulling the towel tighter around her.

"Hey," Jo said with a flick of her head. "Look, there's a message for you on the machine. It's Peeta."

Katniss felt the air escape her lungs as she stood standing there, looking at Jo, and trying to figure out what to do next.

Jo reached for her shoulder and gently propelled her into the living room. "Go on," she said, and disappeared back down the hall.

Katniss stared at the blinking light for a moment before reaching down and hitting the button to play the message. After a moment, Peeta's voice filled the room.

"Hey, Katniss." There was a long pause. "Hi. I wanted to call because . . ." She could hear him swallow, and she could imagine him running a hand through his hair. "I know this is a hard day. I guess I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about Prim today."

* * *

Over the next few days, Katniss tried to call Peeta twice. The first time, she called when she knew he'd be at work. She had no idea what she would say to his answering machine, but she mostly just wanted to hear his voice. After she heard his message, she hung up.

It almost felt like a trial run.

The second time she called, she thought he'd be home. Her heart was beating out of her chest, and her stomach was queasy, and she still had no idea what she was going to say. Right after the second ring, she hit the button to disconnect, her sweaty finger slipping from the keypad, and then threw the phone across her bed away from her.

What could she say to him? She stared at the books scattered around her. She had finished one final, but her other one was on Thursday and she still needed to study. _Priorities_, she thought to herself. She'd worry about it after exams were over.

* * *

On Thursday afternoon, Katniss returned from her last exam. She felt great: she knew she'd aced the final, and she felt proud that she'd persevered this semester despite everything that had happened.

As she walked into the house, she deposited her backpack in her room and then headed for the refrigerator, but she came to a stop when she saw the blinking light on the answering machine.

Her insides seemed to cave in. She was sure it was Peeta, and she was scared to listen to it. She'd promised herself she would call him after exams, but here she was, terrified of even listening to her answering machine.

What must he think of her? That's the question that haunted her most. She knew she'd been wrong to treat him the way she did, but it all seemed lost now. Too much time had passed. It seemed irreconcilable.

She continued into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of chips from the counter. Standing in the doorway, she could just see the red light blinking at her. She turned her back as she ate, trying to push it out of her mind, but she quickly gave up.

With dread coursing through her body, she took a deep breath and hit play on the machine. She was at once flooded with relief to hear Gale's voice, but in the next instant, she felt a crushing guilt settle over her.

She'd fucked up so royally.

"Catnip, it's Thursday, around noon your time." His voice was brisk. "I talked to Madge and she said you were finishing exams today. So whenever you're done with exams, we are done with radio silence. You need to call me. You need to apologize because this fucking sucks. I miss you, and I know you miss me, so just bite the weenie and give me a fucking call. Today."

Katniss let out a huge breath as the machine clicked off. She glanced at her watch – 4:30. She knew she wouldn't be able to track him down until tonight, but despite everything, calling Gale would be infinitely easier than calling Peeta. And she suddenly felt the burden lift from her shoulders just a bit. She'd call Gale. Then she'd figure out what to do about Peeta.

She went into the fridge, took out two beers, and then sat out on the porch to wait for Johanna to get home.

By the time she called Gale later that night, Katniss wasn't drunk, but she was very relaxed. She and Jo had ordered Chinese food and gorged, staying on the front porch until it was completely dark outside.

So now, Katniss was ready to grovel. When she thought about it, she really wasn't sure why she hadn't called Gale, why she'd let this drag out so long, so unnecessarily.

The phone rang twice before Gale picked up and said, "Catnip, that better be you."

"It is," she said meekly. Her nerves were suddenly thrumming and she felt ashamed. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry." He could hear him exhale on the other end, and it spurred her on. "Gale, you know me better than almost anyone, and you know I do these stupid things, but that doesn't make it all right. And I really am sorry because I know you've been hurting as much as I have and now I just made it even worse and I feel bad because I haven't seen your family either and I've just made everything so much worse." And suddenly her voice broke and she was crying again.

His voice was low and quiet as he said, "It's okay."

She took a deep breath and tried to control her voice. "I went to their graves on Sunday." She swallowed. "I'm trying . . . to accept this. But it's just so hard."

"I know. And Kat, it's not like I'm some big talker, either, but you can't push everyone away. Madge really wants to help you, you know. And then there's Peeta."

Katniss wiped at the tears that fell when he mentioned his name.

"Have you talked to him?" he asked.

Katniss took a deep breath. "No, not really. Um, he left me a message on Sunday."

"He did?"

"Yeah, but I haven't called him back. Yet. I mean, I will but . . ."

"You don't know what to say."

"No.'

"How about you start with an apology?"

"Yeah."

"It's not going to be easy, Kat, but you know, that's what you get. You have to do this even though it's not easy. You have to fix what you did wrong."

"I know," she said quietly. "I just can't imagine what he's going to say."

There was a silent pause, and she wasn't sure Gale had even heard her. She knew there was no answer to her question.

After a moment, Gale spoke again. "There's no use worrying about something you can't predict and you can't control. Let's focus on what you can control. When are you going to call him? Let's make a plan."

"Um, maybe tomorrow? It's kind of late now."

"Okay, that's good. You just have to do it, Katniss. You know you'll feel better, even if this doesn't turn out the way you want it to. You'll feel better having gotten this done. You can move on."

"Yeah. I guess."

"Okay, and one more thing. Will you do me a favor? Next time you go up to Ellijay, will you go see Mom? I think she'd like to see you. I know the kids would, too."

"Yeah, I will. I have to go to camp this weekend, so I'll go by."

"Thanks. I won't get back home until July, and I'd like to hear from someone not my mother as to how they're all doing."

* * *

Katniss lay in bed that night in a state of nervous-calm. She felt lighter having talked with Gale and made amends, and she felt hopeful that she would feel the same tomorrow after talking with Peeta. Or, at least, she would feel different. She would have tried. That was a step forward. But she was nervous, having no idea how that conversation would go.

It took her awhile to fall asleep, awhile to turn her mind off, and she resorted to the tactic she'd read about in a book one time: counting backwards from ten. With each passing number, she visualized a worry and then let it melt away, like wax dripping down a candle.

* * *

She woke earlier than usual. It was Friday, and she was off of work with the day to herself. She'd leave in the morning to head to Ridgecrest for her working weekend, but for now she was faced with filling the hours.

Having no idea what Peeta's class schedule was this semester, she contemplated the best time to call, finally deciding to wait until evening after the bakery closed. She knew she'd be taking a risk that he would be home on a Friday night, but she felt like it was her best bet.

So she spent the afternoon in their yard. The lawn had a small strip right in front of the porch that clearly used to be a plant bed. She didn't have the money to fill the space with flowering shrubs or any such thing, but she had bought some potting soil, some mulch, and some seed packets, and she hoped she could create a small patch of flowers in the barren yard.

It took all morning to dig up the soil and rid it of weeds and roots. By the afternoon, after she'd mixed in the potting soil, planted the seeds, and watered it thoroughly, her back was sore, and her hands ached. The sun was hot on her back, sending rivulets of sweat dripping from her hairline. Her hands ached lightly when she finished, but she had managed to survive the day and keep her nerves mostly at bay.

She sat on her porch to cool off and imagine the view once the flowers began to grow. The street was quieter these days. Two of the boys across the street had flunked out of Tech after a single semester while another one had moved, so the remaining ones spent less time on the porch. She could hear the traffic from 14th Street from here, and somewhere in the neighborhood, a car alarm went off.

And then, suddenly, the afternoon was gone. The sun disappeared behind the houses, and her sweat-soaked shirt made her shiver. She knew it was almost time. Returning inside, she showered and allowed the hot spray to massage her muscles.

After, she sat on her bed, her hair wrapped up in her towel, and stared at the phone in her hand. This was it. She was silently freaking out. So much depended on this phone call. She didn't even know what she wanted out of it, but she knew it could be a crushing disappointment nonetheless. But regardless, she just needed to do it.

She dialed his number and then pushed back across her bed so she could lean against the wall. It rang one and a half times before he picked it up, saying hello in a breathless way. She wondered if he'd just walked in.

Just hearing his voice again stopped her, shocked her into momentary silence.

"Hello?" he asked again, and her heart went into overdrive.

"Peeta," she said, knowing immediately that her voice sounded funny. "Hi," she said, trying to find her normal tone. "Hi, it's me."

The silence stretched from his end of the line and she closed her eyes, waiting.

"Hi," he said. His voice was low, and she couldn't read it.

She swallowed. This is where it got hard. What did she say next? She couldn't just say, "How are you?" It was so trite, would ignore the last months as if they hadn't even happened.

"How are you?" _Fuck_. How did that slip out?

"Uh…" his voice seemed incredulous, and she groaned internally. What was she doing? "Fine. You know. I've got exams next week. So it's busy."

"Oh, yeah. I um, I just finished my last one. Yesterday."

"Good."

Oh god this was excruciating. She took a deep breath and plunged in.

"I wanted to thank you for calling and . . . and remembering. Last weekend was hard and I really appreciated your message."

"Well, you're welcome. Of course I remembered." He paused. "How did you spend the day?"

"I went hiking." She pulled the towel from her hair so she could lean her head back against the wall. She stared up at the ceiling. "And then I went to the cemetery for awhile. Ended up getting back late."

"That's good."

"Yeah."

There was another long pause before she could say the rest. "Peeta, I'm sorry." She swallowed and willed the lump in her throat to dissolve. "I'm so ashamed of how I treated you, what I said. I didn't really mean any of it. It's hard to explain . . ."

"You don't have to explain, Katniss. I understand why you did it. It's not actually that surprising, truthfully."

She felt like her heart couldn't beat any faster. "Really? You understand?"

"Well, yeah, but that doesn't make it okay. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt."

"I'm so sorry." She twisted a strand of her hair around her finger before she spoke again, hesitantly. "I wonder, I mean, would you want to meet some time? Maybe have coffee or something?" She knew there was desperation in her voice, and she hated hearing it.

"Uh, well, I don't think that's the best idea. I mean. I'm not sure seeing you is the right thing for me right now."

Tears dripped down Katniss's face as she nodded her head. "Yeah, I understand," she said.

"But maybe you could call me again?"

She sucked in a breath and tried to calm the pounding in her chest.

"I know talking on the phone isn't the easiest thing for you," he continued, "but I'd like to talk to you again. Do you think you could do that?"

"Yes," she croaked, swallowing hard and covering the receiver as she took a long, shuddering breath. "Okay."

"Okay. Well, I guess I'll wait to hear from you."

* * *

**A/N **Another chapter that took me a long time to write! Thanks so much for waiting. I appreciate everyone who has read/reviewed/followed this story or left me notes on Tumblr. It makes me so happy that you're enjoying it.

BohemianRider is back in the beta chair and just as wonderful as ever. And Sunfish has continued to give me great support. I appreciate them both so much.


	9. No Going Back

**Chapter 9 - No Going Back**

**June, 1993**

The phone rang three times, and at the end of each ring, Katniss almost hung up. But she didn't. She held onto the receiver, her hand gripping the heavy plastic tightly, sweat seeping from every pore. She stood and flapped her arms a bit, trying to maximize airflow. A trickle ran down her back, and she grimaced as she thought to herself that sweat was pouring from her pores. _ Pouring from my pores. _ The phrase reverberated in her mind until she realized that the ringing had stopped and Peeta was on the other end saying hello.

Ever since they'd talked on the phone that first time last week, she'd stressed over the next phone conversation. He'd said himself: _you call me_. She knew he was putting the ball in her court. The problem was she didn't know what to do with the ball. She'd never played ball sports.

That weekend, she'd gone back to Ridgecrest and immersed herself in final preparations for the start of camp. She'd hiked extensively in order to re-mark the trails for the summer and met with some new staff members to help train them. And all along, she'd run through conversations in her mind so she'd be prepared. But now, here, with his voice echoing to her from the other side of the connection, she had no idea what to say. All the preparation for this conversation had come to naught.

"Hi," she said, wondering if she needed to identify herself.

"Katniss," he said, almost like a sigh. "Hey."

Perhaps it was the way she could detect the smile in his voice as he spoke. Hearing him, she closed her eyes and envisioned him leaning against his small kitchen counter, crossing his legs in front of him. She could feel her racing heart rate start to slow.

"How's it going?" she managed. That was good. Casual. Open-ended. Made him take the conversation.

"Good. Finished exams, so that's a relief. How are you?"

And now she was back to holding the ball.

"Fine. I just got back from camp."

"How are things up there? How's Haymitch?"

"Good," she said. "They've hired someone to basically take my place. They're calling him an intern, but he'll be there full time over the summer. I met him a few weeks ago, and I've been going up each weekend lately to train him."

"What does that mean for your scholarship?"

"Haymitch says I don't need to worry. He's just hired for the summer, so in the fall, I'll be back to going every other weekend as I finish up at Tech."

"That's good," he said. "Will that give you more time this summer? Will you have to go up so often?"

"I'm not sure. At the very least, I shouldn't be as busy when I go up there. But I guess I'll have to wait and see."

"Not your strong suit."

She laughed softly. "No."

A quiet grew between them, and after a beat, Katniss blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.

"Haymitch asked about you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. He's sorry you're not up there this summer." She looked at the wall, trying to figure out if she should continue with this line of conversation. "And, uh, he was glad that I, well, that we…" She stalled.

"Yeah, I'm glad we're talking again, too."

Katniss exhaled audibly, and the phone grew quiet again.

"I think it's good."

Katniss nodded.

"Well, I gotta go. I'm meeting Delly."

"Oh, is she back? Jo hadn't mentioned."

"Yeah. Just got back today."

"That's good." She nodded again, feeling hollow. It had been a good conversation, but really, she didn't think she had gotten anywhere. A sadness seeped into her bones as she nodded. "Yeah, okay."

"I'll talk to you again soon?" he asked.

"Yeah. Sure. I mean, I'd like that."

"Okay. Have a good week."

"You, too."

* * *

"I can't figure it out," Katniss complained.

She was sitting on Madge's bunk at Ridgecrest several days later. The counselors had arrived and spent the week getting ready for the campers. Madge was back, putting in her fourth – and what she had decided would be her final – summer.

Madge just nodded but didn't comment. She was cleaning out from under the bunks, sweeping away a winter's worth of dust and dirt.

Katniss flopped back on the bed and stared at the rough-hewn ceiling above her. She was so glad to have the opportunity to talk to Madge again and try to figure out what she was supposed to do.

"It's just, I expected that when I called Peeta that first time, I mean, I thought he'd be polite, but I really thought he'd make it clear that we had nowhere to go. I thought we'd touch base, maybe clear the air, and go our separate ways. And I was prepared for that.

"But he keeps telling me to call him again. Or saying 'talk to you soon,' but he told me he didn't want to see me, and he seems to be sticking to that, so what does that mean?"

Madge straightened up and leaned on the broomstick. "Katniss, you have to be patient," she said, but Katniss could hear the suppressed amusement in her voice.

Katniss whined. "I'm _trying_."

"I know, but you need to keep trying. You should be glad that he didn't just send you packing." She moved over to sit down on the bed. "The fact that he didn't shut you down must mean that he still wants something. But this isn't going to be easy for him."

Katniss exhaled audibly, her lips making a flubbering noise.

"The thing is, after you dumped him . . . " Katniss cringed, and Madge turned to face her directly. "You did. You dumped him. And it was harsh."

Katniss sighed and looked away. She didn't know how to fix it, so she didn't know how to face it.

"But after," Madge continued, "he shut down. He wouldn't return my calls. I think maybe Delly went to see him, but that's it. He wasn't talking. I honestly didn't speak to him until March. You know that's not like Peeta! I think he spent the winter in that attic, going nowhere but class and the bakery.

"If anything's going to happen, it's going to take time, and you have to give him that."

Katniss rolled over and curled into the fetal position. She sighed. "I know I did this to myself." Her voice was muffled. "I just don't know if I have it in me to undo it."

"Well," Madge said, getting back up. "I guess that's what you have to figure out." She went to the closet and pulled out a dustpan to sweep up her pile. She worked for a few minutes in silence.

After Madge had gone outside to dump the dustpan, she sat back down next to her friend.

"Katniss, let me ask you this." She paused a moment until Katniss had turned again to look at her. "When you were with Peeta, how did you feel? "

Katniss scrunched her eyebrows momentarily as she processed Madge's question. But as she allowed herself to recall the details, she remembered Peeta's smile, his ease, how his touch alone could assuage her. She realized now that she had felt that same peace of mind when they'd spoken on the phone the other day – even if it had been just for a moment.

She remembered how even the slightest pressure from his lips had ignited a fire in her that she'd never felt before. Her face relaxed, and she felt her mouth break into a beleaguered smile.

"Be patient, Katniss, " Madge said quietly. "Remember how you felt, and give him time."

* * *

When Katniss left Madge's cabin, she made her way to Down Under, the rec space under the Dining Hall that housed the camp's only public phone – a payphone so old, it had a rotary dial. She tried not to think about what she was doing as she put in the numbers of her calling card followed by Peeta's phone number. It was 2:45 on Saturday afternoon. She knew he wouldn't be there, but she had decided she wanted to call him anyway. The rest of her day would be busy, and she wasn't sure she'd have a chance or the momentum to call him later.

After his answering machine picked up and she heard the beep, she cleared her throat and began speaking. "Hey Peeta, it's me. I'm at Ridgecrest, and I just spent some time with Madge as she was cleaning out her cabin and getting ready for the kids. She says hello, by the way. And in a little bit I'm heading out to the meadow to rebuild the fire pit. I'll probably walk some of the back trails with Rex, the new intern, to show him the trail. And it's really nice up here this weekend. Sunny but cool and I think we're in for a perfect early-summer night." She took a breath and then blurted out the next words before she could think too much about them. "And I'm thinking of you. I'll be home tomorrow. Hope to talk to you soon."

She hung up the phone decisively and stared at the receiver for a moment. _There._ She hadn't even planned that last part – it had just come out – but it was good. She smiled to herself. _Ball's in your court._

* * *

Katniss tried not to think about Peeta too much as she walked through the next few days. She worked hard at camp. She went out drinking with Madge Saturday night. She did not think about Peeta as she gazed around her empty cabin. She got home Sunday and worked in her small patch that she sheepishly thought of as her garden. She went to bed early. She rolled over and closed her eyes and willed herself not to think about Peeta.

On Monday morning, she went back to work at Fernbank. She started in on fall lesson plans and consulted with her boss about some new ideas she'd had. Whenever thoughts of him arose, she tamped them down forcefully.

No. Just, no.

She had modified her drive home long ago so that she didn't pass his place, but she did pass his street, and as she did that afternoon, she forced herself to look the other way._ She would not think about him._ It was his turn. She was done.

The first sprouts had emerged in her garden, but the weather was getting hotter. As the heat of the sun receded from the yard, Katniss went out to water her plants and was still out there when Jo came home from work. After awhile, her roommate came back out to sit on the porch.

"I saw Delly this weekend," she said.

"Yeah? Will she be home this summer?" Katniss asked.

"Yep," Jo replied, opening her beer and taking a long drink.

"So what does that mean?"

"Well… I don't really know."

Katniss pulled a large weed from the base of a sunflower plant. It was frustrating that the weeds grew at twice the rate of the flowers themselves. "What do you want it to mean?" she asked.

Jo shrugged but said nothing for a moment while she took another drink. "Delly is the hottest chick I've ever been with," she said finally. "But I also really _like _her."

The silence between them lengthened as Katniss made her way down the row of plants. "That sounds good, right?"

"Well, I mean, good for the summer. But she's got at least another year at UNC, and she's talking about going to graduate school, so who knows where she'll end up."

Katniss understood. If she were in Jo's position, she didn't think she could invest too much. "I'd walk away," she mumbled.

"Would you? If it were Peeta? Would you give up something like that?"

Katniss stood and stretched her back for a moment. She looked out over the yard, into the street, and down towards the intersection at 14thstreet before shaking her head.

"I don't know, actually. If it were Peeta, and I actually had another chance?" She shrugged. "I'd do anything to make it work. I mean, that's basically what I'm trying to do now."

The two women looked at each other.

"We're fucked," Jo said.

"Yeah," Katniss said quietly as she bent over her garden once again.

* * *

Peeta called her that night. She was sitting mesmerized on the couch, having happened upon her favorite video on MTv. She and Jo had never had cable, but one of the boys across the street had climbed up the telephone pole and connected both houses. She wasn't sure how he'd done it, but suddenly she had basic cable for the first time in her life. She was beginning to see why everyone loved to watch television.

The phone ringing eventually drew her away from "Runaway Train," which was why she was distracted as she picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

The noise of the TV seemed suddenly loud and intrusive. She reached for the remote to silence it before answering.

"Hi."

It was the first time he'd called her since they had begun talking again. Her heart was beating quickly, and she covered the end of the receiver so she could take a deep breath without him hearing her exhale.

"Hi."

Wait, hadn't he already said hi? Was he repeating himself? Was he nervous, too? She couldn't help but chuckle as she replied. "Hey."

"How's it going?"

"Fine."

She realized for once, for once, they had swapped sides, and he was in charge of making conversation. She smiled as she relaxed a bit. She propped her feet up on the coffee table and leaned her head back against the cushion behind her.

"What have you been up to today?" he asked, and she could detect a slight strain in his voice. Yep. He was nervous.

"The usual. Work. But I worked in my garden this afternoon when I got home."

"Your garden?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "It's pretty paltry. You know the area right in front of the porch? I think it had bushes or something there at one point. Anyway, I got a few cheap packets of seeds and some potting soil a few weeks ago and did some planting." She swallowed. "It's not much, but the seeds are sprouting and I think as long as I keep weeding it, I should get some flowers up soon."

"That's awesome. What a great idea."

She smiled. "Yeah, it's been good. Given me something to do here at home. I haven't started summer classes yet, so it's been pretty quiet."

He didn't respond to that, so she forged ahead. "I'm hoping when I get paid next month I can buy some small shrubs, like some bushes or something, to put on either side of the walkway. I think that would be nice."

"That sounds great."

"So what about you? What have you been up to?"

"Not much. Just working."

"Will you take any classes this summer?"

"No. I'm on track to graduate next spring, so I don't really need to." He was quiet for a moment before saying, "I keep thinking about this time last year. That first week at camp. I was so excited to just get away from home and do something completely different."

"Yeah," she said. "I know."

And she did. She knew him well enough now to understand what he had escaped last summer, all the expectations, the scorn, the confines his mother repeatedly imposed on him. Katniss felt her eyes prick and a lump form in her throat.

"Yeah," he said. "But things are better now. I mean, at least I'm out of the house."

"It is better, Peeta," she said, surprised at her own forcefulness. "I'd hate to think of you still in that house, still having to put up with . . . withthat all the time."

She regretted the words even as she spoke them, and the silence that stretched out between them seemed impenetrable.

Finally, he said, "I should go. I'll talk to you soon?"

She closed her eyes and tears seeped out from under her eyelids. "Peeta," she said. "Do you think . . . I mean, do you want to get together? Sometime?"

The quiet echoed from his end of the phone line, and she bit her lip. _Stupid, stupid. _Why had she said that?

"Um, Katniss, it's not that I don't want to. I do." He paused. "It's just that, I don't really trust myself."

She stared at the ceiling as she tried to puzzle out what he'd just said. "What does that mean?"

"I'm trying to take this slow, Katniss, and I know myself. As soon as I see you, I'm going to want to touch you, and that will be that. But I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I ever will be."

Katniss did everything she could to stifle the sob that escaped.

"You said I was unnecessary, that you didn't need me." He paused. "You broke my heart. I don't know if I can give you that power again."

* * *

After she hung up, she went to her room, flopped down on the bed, and tried to suppress the emotion threatening to erupt. She understood everything he'd said. It all made perfect sense, but she didn't know how to go on from here. As she lay there, a thought emerged in her head. She picked at it for a moment before rolling over and pulling one of her favorite books off the shelf of her night stand – _The Return of the King_. Opening it to the end, she began flipping back through it idly, searching for a line that was caught in her memory. It didn't take long for her to find what she was looking for.

_'Are you in pain, Frodo?' said Gandalf quietly as he rode by Frodo's side._

_ 'Well, yes I am,' said Frodo. 'It is my shoulder. The wound aches, and the memory of darkness is heavy on me. It was a year ago today.'_

_ 'Alas! There are some wounds that cannot be wholly cured,' said Gandalf._

_ 'I fear it may be so with mine,' said Frodo. 'There is no real going back. Though I may come to the Shire, it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same_

She re-read the lines again before closing the book with a sigh. She was hoping to go back, but she realized now that it wasn't possible.

In a flash, Katniss had one of her few moments of clarity: she knew she could never recapture what she'd had with Peeta. But perhaps, if she could be patient, she could have something different. Something better.

She could be patient.

* * *

Katniss knew what she wanted now, but ever since her realization, she'd had a new anxiety creeping up on her. The winter had been hard on her, and she'd made some decisions she regretted. And she felt like maybe she needed to come clean to Peeta about her hook-ups.

The next time she went to camp, she talked to Madge about it.

"Come clean?" Madge asked, the tone of incredulity spilling out on the table between them. They were at Merve's. The first week of camp was over, and Katniss was up for the weekend again.

"You don't have anything to 'come clean' about, Katniss. It's none of his business who you've slept with or how many times. There's no reason to even tell him."

Katniss twirled the Pilsner in her hand, watching the surface of the beer foam and dissipate around the edge of the glass each time she rotated the glass.

"I know I don't _need _to tell him," she said. She wasn't sure how to explain herself. "It's just that, I want to. I mean, when we got together, one of the first things we did was talk about our sexual history. And I think that's important. I mean, I need to go get another AIDS test now. I've been with three randoms!"

Just saying the words, admitting to it out loud made her feel better. For some reason, talking about it with Madge was helping more than she'd thought. She began to think that maybe she could figure out the best thing to do next.

"But beyond that," she paused while she gathered her thoughts, "I just feel like I should. I don't know if we're going anywhere, but I don't think I could take it if we got back together, I told him, and then he broke up with me or something."

"Peeta would never do that."

"No, I don't think so. But I also don't want to put him in a position to . . . to second guess me. Later. I guess."

Madge was nodding at her. "Yeah," she said. "I get it. I still don't think you have to say anything, but if it's bothering you, it's best to get it out of the way."

"Right," Katniss said softly. "That's what I thought."

Unfortunately, this decision would make the next conversation with Peeta that much harder to have.

* * *

"I've been jonesing for warm weather for the longest time."

It was Sunday night, and Peeta had called her for the first time unprompted.

"Yeah, me too. The winter this year was rough. I thought we'd never get spring."

"I know. It must have been nice in Ellijay. The mountains are so beautiful in winter. I'm sure it was nicer there than it was here."

"I haven't been home," she said. "I don't go home anymore. I mean, I've gone to the cemetery, but, well, I don't stay."

"Things are that bad with your mom?"

"Yeah. I stayed here for Christmas. I haven't seen her since I left."

"I'm sorry."

"I think it's better this way. I know where I stand." She was trying to be open with him, but this conversation was harder than she wanted to admit. She tried to deflect. "How are things with your parents?"

"Okay. Dad's easy enough to work with, and Mom's not around too much. I think she waits to see what my work schedule will be each semester and then schedules herself around me."

"I guess that's for the best?"

"I guess."

Katniss paused as she gathered her courage. It was a serious enough conversation. She might as well dive in.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"How do you feel about casual sex?"

The silence stretched between them, tangible and brittle like shards of ice.

"Uh. . . I think it depends." He was quiet for a beat. "If that's all it is for both partners, I don't have a problem with it." He paused again before saying, "Why?"

Katniss was sure she could hear his nerves vibrating in his voice, and it scared her more than she wanted to acknowledge. She tried not to think as she pushed ahead with the conversation. "I feel like I need to tell you something."

"Okay."

"Um. Well, it's not that I need to or have to, I just _want _to. I want, um . . . I want to be honest with you."

"You can tell me anything."

She swallowed and continued. "I slept with someone." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I mean, I slept with a couple someones."

Peeta didn't respond immediately, and Katniss kept her eyes shut while she waited. Her heart was in her mouth.

Finally, he said, "Katniss, you didn't have to tell me that." He cleared his throat. "I mean, I'm not in charge of your sex life."

"I know!" she said vehemently before taking a deep breath and trying to calm herself down. "I know. It's just, I don't know what's going on between us, but I don't want anything ruin things later – I mean, if there is a later – I don't want any surprises or anything to come between us. I just want to try to be honest and open for once in my life."

He took an audible breath. "Okay. That makes sense. Um. Do you need to tell me about it? I'm not sure I want to know about it."

"It was a mistake. Each time. I mean, I was drunk and just looking for something to make me feel better and it just kinda happened."

"So it was a one-night stand?"

"Yeah."

"Did you use a condom?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. So what are you worried about?"

"It's not like I have a problem with it. It's just, it always made me feel bad. Afterwards I always felt worse. I mean, I still feel bad about it."

"You shouldn't."

She took a deep breath. "I was scared to tell you." She twisted a strand of hair around her finger as she waited for him to respond.

"Well, it's not like it makes me _happy_," he said. "But you're an adult. You can do as you want. I mean, if I'd slept with anyone, I wouldn't feel guilty."

"So you haven't?"

"No," he said, and she could hear that his voice was tinged with bitterness. "I didn't. I haven't."

"Oh."

She didn't know what to say next. She felt better for having had this conversation, but suddenly, they were at an impasse, and she didn't know how to cross it.

"I need to go," he said finally. "It's good we talked."

"Is it?" She was feeling desperate, and she hated feeling this way. She doubted whether she'd done the right thing or not. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe she needed to hang up the phone and just walk away. Maybe. . .

"It is, Katniss." He exhaled loudly again, and she could hear the click of his teeth as they clenched before he replied. "None of this is easy, but it's good."

She couldn't stop her voice from wavering as she said, "Okay."

"Good night, Katniss."

"Good night, Peeta."

* * *

She wasn't sure what the next step was. Should she call him? Or let him make the decision whether or not to call her? Inertia was prompting her towards the latter. Her classes began, and life got busy again.

And then almost two weeks later, when she was beginning to resign herself to the fact that he wasn't going to call, she came home from work one day to find two potted plants sitting on her porch. As she approached, she realized the one closest to her had a white, plastic marker sticking out of the soil. She pulled it out to read:_**Oenothera Kunthiana**__ (Evening Primrose) perennial, full sun._

She read and reread the words, staring at the plastic stick in her hand, trying to find some sort of explanation. She raised her eyes to the door when she heard it open and Johanna walked out onto the porch.

"Peeta," she said. "He brought them over around lunch time."

Katniss nodded at her, too stunned to speak. Still holding the marker, she walked up the steps and followed Johanna into the house. Changing clothes, she returned to the porch and began to put the plants in along the walkway. After digging two deep holes and gingerly breaking up the roots of each plant, she buried them in the soil until they flanked the front step.

She watered the soil and made sure the stalks were sturdy before returning to the house to knock on Jo's door.

"Jo?" she said, pushing the door open. Her roommate looked up from her bed. "Do you still have that Polaroid?"

* * *

The next day after work, Katniss drove down Peeta's street. It was just before five, and she felt confident he would still be at the bakery.

Pulling up to the curb in front of his house, she left the car running as she hurriedly approached his mailbox. Opening it, she put the picture inside. It was of her, sitting on the steps between the two plants. At the bottom of the picture on the plastic sleeve, she had written, _Thank You_.

* * *

**A/N **Wow, it's ridiculous how long this chapter has taken me. I am ashamed that two months have lapsed, but real life doesn't always allow me to pursue my hobbies.

Thanks to everyone who sent followed/favorited/reviewed or found me on Tumblr. I appreciate all the feedback! Thanks to SunfishDunes for listening to me whine. And special, unending, grateful thanks to BohemianRider for all that she does and all that she is.


End file.
